From: Santiago Santiago, 95 *Interview with a Santa, the Santa Chronicles* It was that time of year again, the snow was falling, merriment abounded. It was December 22nd, night. The streets of New Orleans were looking very strange in this winter-wonderland, for obvious reasons (mainly the snow in N'awlins!) I had been led to this quaint townhouse, the brownstones covered in a light frost, jinglebells were heard in the distant. It was time to talk. The young man walked to the front door, carrying a satchel filled with audio cassets, along with many paper pads and pencils. As he knocked on the door, he was startled by the noise or a red convertible speeding on the road behind him. The blond with a mane of hair, laughed like the devil as "Sympathy for the Devil" blared over his radio. The door opened. The young man looked in... then down. Standing below him was a tiny being, about two feet tall, with pointed ears, and looking extremly pale. He was wearing green and red tights, with a long black scarf wrapped around his neck. "Wanna ya want?" the elf asked angrily "I'm here to talk to your boos, he asked me here," "Really?" the elf quipped,"why you wanna talk to some fat low-" The elf was cut off, it seemed he heard a noise that was unaudible to the young man. "R-right this w-way, sir,"the elf stammered, massaging his neck with a pained look in his eyes. ***********************butdoyourecall?******************************** The young man followed the elf up a curving stairwell, in his journey, he noticed all the elves he saw were lumbering about like they were half dead. Suddenly, a strong scent hit him... like the smell of freshly cut hay... but mixed with something else. They reached a plateau, and the young man's jaw dropped. It was a stable inside the townhouse, but instead of horses, it held reindeer. At least eight were seen tied to posts, the moans of elves were heard in the background. He looked at the reindeer, they all had names on their stalls: Dracula, Bathory, Youga, Lestat, Blacula, Orlaff, Carmilla and Chocula. The reindeer snorted and stomped, bucking against their binds. It looked as though the deer had some sort of bloodlust, and all 16 eyes stared at him, like he was their next meal. Then, he saw at the end of the stable, 7 elves strugling with one deer, it's nose was blood red, it was hissing and biting at the elves tiny hands. The young man's elfish guide hurriedly suggested that he come along quickly. **************************hohoho************************************** The elf continued leading the man up the stairs, the sickening smell of candey canes filled his head, and he reached a giant door. The elf had dissapeared. The door creaked open, apparently under it's own power and there... inside... was the man himself. He was wearing dark red clothes, with a white trim about it. Silver buttons, and gleaming black boots. He was sitting in a large Eazy-chair, nursing down a glass of milk (which we all know is made from blood, as we learned it in Animal Science 100) and munching on a gingerbread man, who whined in torment. Santa: I assume i need no introduction? the young man just stared, he began to set up his tape recorder, and looked for a table. He found a desk, covered in computer discs, and notes of paper, also on this desk, he saw the most advanced portable computer he'd ever seen... and on the screen, he saw his name, and in the type, he read "Query: naughty or nice?" "Processing data, wait" Santa: Just doing my homework lad, this time of year i don't make time for visitors. Young Man: Well (clearing throat) I'll be quick... i want to know your story... it's what i do, i collect stories S: (taking another sip of milk) Not much to tell, I'm just a good man doing good deeds. YM: But how do we know? You sneak into our houses at night with a large sack, how do we know you don't make off with something. S: But, the children- (gets cut off) YM: Ahh, the children! What gives you the right to decide who's been good or bad, isn't that a job for their parents? What kind of dictatorship did you grow up in? And why do you watch them so intently? I'd be arrested if I ever asked a child to sit in my lap to tell me what "he REALLY wants". You give them what they want, don't you? Sneaking around the house silently as they dream of sugar induced halucinations? S: What are you inferring (his white beard hiding his angry scowl) YM: Look at all th'facts, Fatboy, the red clothes,you're only out at night, your quiet skulking, you child stalking. Those elves are more like midnight snacks than helpers aren't they? AREN'T THEY? S:...uh... ho ho ho? (he said, attempting to cover up his anger) YM: How do you do it? Do you brainwash the parents? How? I want to know? S: (looking up) Well, you HAVE been a good boy, so I'll tell you. His eyes glowed red, the young man was stuned with terror. In an instant, the jolly man was across the room in the blink of an eye, and he grabbed the young man about the throat, hoisted him in the air. YM: (gurgling for air) S: (evil look in his eyes) They don't call me Satan Claws for nothing. ********************************************************************** Happy holidays cotton people!... lock your windows. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "I know much about different types of sects... what?... sects.... yes... i know alot about sects... whats so funny?" Santiago ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "For sooth, what light through yonder window breaks... it is the East, and Juliet is theeeEEAAAAAAAAAARRRHHHGGGGGHHHH! THE SUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! *BURSTING INTO FLAME*" If Romeo were a Vampire "And once we shuffle of this mortal coil... _again_..." If Hamlet were a Vampire "... growl.... RARRRRR! *mauls someone*" If King Lear were a bear