Humpty Revealed
by Dr. Andy Lange

	Once upon a time there lived a fat man named Humpty Dumpty.  He 
enjoyed such activities as eating large amounts of fatty, 
cholesterol-laden food and sitting on walls.  One day after eating an 
especially fatty meal, he climbed up onto the wall to sit.  Before long, 
he fell off the wall.  Since the man was a tourist attraction (he even 
had his own pamphlet distributed by the local Tourist Bureau), the King 
decided to try to put him back together again.  It being the middle ages 
and all, there was very little that the King could do.
	He soon remarked, "All the King's horses and all the King's men 
couldn't put Humpty together again."  This confused many people who 
didn't know why the King would let his horses perform complicated medical 
and surgical procedures on his constituents.  They also began to wonder 
why all royalty insisted on referring to themselves in the third-person 
all the time.  After holding secret underground meetings for a period of 
about three years in an effort to explain the bizarre behavior that their 
ruler was displaying, they came to the conclusion that it was the massive 
amounts of illicit drugs that the King took on a regular basis.  This 
however, is not important to Humpty's story.
	Suddenly, a little boy ran up with George Clooney and yelled, 
"Here's my brother!  Can you save him?"
	George Clooney surveyed the scene and said to the King, "I'm not 
a Doctor, but I play one on television!"
	The King, not knowing what television was, simply agreed.
	George Clooney began to do a preliminary medical examination and 
quickly came to the conclusion that he shouldn't have had that last drink 
last night.  Humpty, on the other hand, had been eating too many 
cholesterol-laden fatty foods.  He should have been drinking low-fat milk 
and eating fish like salmon to reduce the risk of osteoporosis later in life.
	The narrator was looking over all the goings-on (did you ever 
notice how some people use the term "goings-on" and others dont?  or how 
some people say "take a picture" while others say "make a picture"?  try 
to use the terms "goings-on" and "make a picture" in a sentence today!).  
George Clooney, recognizing the need for immediate hospitalization of Mr. 
Dumpty (as well as recognizing an attractive Lady-In-Waiting) said to the 
narrator, "How fast can you get us to County General?"
	"I can do it instantly," replied yours truly, "after all, I'm the narrator!"
	"But won't that bring bad publicity to this brash young physician 
?" asked the King.
	"No," said the narrator, "this is the middle ages.  There is no 
media here!"
	With an Abracadabra Wala-Kazam Sala-Gadoo La Magicka-do La 
Bibbity-bobbity-boo (did you ever notice how magicians use so many fancy 
words?  what language is that?  can I get a language credit for it in 
college?) everyone was suddenly in the emergency room at County General.  
Don't ask me how they got there, it's my story!
	"Where's Dr. Green?" asked George Clooney.
	"He hasn't been born yet, stupid!" remarked a nurse in passing.
	"Oh, sorry.  I need a gurney in O.R. 2, I need a blood gas, I 
need x-rays, I need 30 cc's of lidocaine, I need a woman who can put up 
with me, I need an IV drip of some other fancy sounding drug, and I need 
someone to appreciate me for the caring Doctor that I am!"
	"Is that all?" asked the nurse.
	"And some flavored gelatin treat."
	"Are you sure you have room for it?"
	"Sure!  There's always room for Jell-O!"
	And so it came to pass that George Clooney was operating on 
Humpty (remember Humpty?  this is a story about Humpty.)  in the 
emergency room of County General in the middle ages.  Yes, there will be 
a quiz on this later.
	And so it came to pass also that Humpty was cured.  Dr. Clooney 
even found a way to charge liposuction to Mr. Dumpty's insurance!  (Did 
you ever notice that Lloyds of London will insure any body part except 
the penis?  it's true, you can check for yourself!)
	As George Clooney relaxed in the lounge with the narrator he 
remarked, "Life is good!"
	Just then an attractive woman stepped in and said, "You requested 
a woman who can put up with you.  Here I am!"
	"Life doesn't get any better than this!"
	Just then Bill Cosby walked in and said, "Who'd like some of this 
delicious gelatin treat?"
	Thus ends the story of Humpty Dumpty.

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