Mr Badger walked in to the bar and found Handel and Amhorach sitting in a booth on the far side. Taking over a round or seven of drinks Mr Badger wondered across to the pair. On the table in front of them was a chess set that was positioned in the opening moves. Mr Badger stood beside Amhorach and watched the game being played. Amhorach reached across and moved a black piece randomly across the board. Handel retaliated by moving another black piece but legally this time. Not to be out done Amhorach moved one of his empty mugs onto the board and uses it to take Handel’s queen. While Handel and Amhorach are engrossed in the game Mr Badger passes the time by eating any piece that is removed. Looking up Handel smacks Mr Badger on the snout. "Cough those up!" Commanded Handel as this was the set he borrowed from Omni and wasn’t too sure what it was made of, bone maybe but you never can be to sure. After a few retching sounds the pieces are replaced in their case and Mr Badger looks embarrassed. The game continued and Amhorach moved one of his knights in a straight line. "See, it moves like this because the horse is wearing blinders," said the Malk in a kilt. After watching the game for a while Mr Badger was picking up on the rules. It wasn’t long before he was making moves for Amhorach. "See, a pawn can move three squares as its got Celerity but the queen gets to move anyway as being a woman who can stop her?" "Who’s move is it?" Asked Handel. "Yours I think." Replied Mr Badger. "Oh is it? But we’re both black, how can you tell?" Inquired Handel. "I’m been counting the empty Rum bottles, the king can only move one square at a time because of the nagging from his wife the queen," replied Mr Badger. Handel reached across and motioned to take the white king. "Too bad the bishop has that divine connection. He’ll just reincarnate the king," said Amhorach. "I like the white pieces," said Mr Badger ."They have half the calories." Handel pushed the bishop across the board but miscalculated the angle. The piece falls off the table and is counted as Missing-In-Action for the rest of the game. Amhorach moves a rook but then takes it of the board as the new foundations were bad. Handel starts to worry as white appears to be winning despite being ganged up against two to one. Mr Badger changes sides and fights against Amhorach just to prove life isn’t fair. Amhorach moves a pawn and removes both the opposite bishops. "He had a sniper rifle," grinned Amhorach. Mr Badger takes off Amhorach’s last rook with a cunning play of his Dwarven Sapper piece. Amhorach uses his knights to slow all of Mr Badger’s pieces down to half movement due to the horse doo doo. Mr Badger curses as he left hi pooper scooper at home that day. Handel wondered to himself if Rumming up the pieces would be considered underhand play? Mr Badger takes off one of his own rooks as he forgot to get planning permission for it. In retaliation Amhorach arms all his knights with toothpick lances and runs them into the helpless pawns. "Charge!" Shouted Amhorach as the pawns were decimated. Mr Badger muttered to himself as he faked a department store sale and conned the black queen into an ambush. Without breaking stride Amhorach slaps some evidence down on the table and removes the remaining black bishop for his ‘fall from grace with the queen,’ the queen is also removed for infidelity. Mr Badger notices that Amhorach’s king can now move three squares at a time now as he is free from his wife’s nagging. Amhorach decides Badger is on the ropes and gives all of his own pawns field promotions to knights. Mr Badger swears but catches one of Amhorach’s new knights in a compromising position with the king. "Check, you don’t think they earned all those promotions on merit do you?" Asked Mr Badger. Amhorach reaches into the discard box and produces a new king. Mr Badger immediately removes this piece as the DNA testing proved inconclusive so the royal line was discontinued. With a smile Amhorach moved his mystery piece and shifted Bill Gates onto the middle of the board. "Removal of the king has caused a general protection fault in the game, reboot and start over," said Amhorach. Mr Badger plays his special piece and reveals his king as being really Elvis and as such is invulnerable. Unfortunately this piece takes up three squares and must consume a pawn every turn to remain on the board. Amhorach restarts the game while fresh drinks are bought to the table. As play commences again Amhorach moves all his pawns at once as they’re Siamese twins. Mr Badger pounces upon this tactic and removes half of the pawns as they were ghosts that were pinged out. To show that he is not beaten Amhorach sends in the CIA and removes the entire white noble class as they were fixing oil prices. In disgust Mr Badger removes his own bishop for being a Torry bastard. In the final move Amhorach remove Mr Badger’s knights for child pornography charges and Mr Badger concedes defeat. Handel gathers up the board and pieces and the trio leave for hunting grounds fresh. ______________________________________________________________________________ The Rematch. The next week the rematch is held in the same bar. Amhorach sets up the board while Mr Badger sees to the refreshments. In the first move Amhorach removes his own bishop (black) for dipping in the communion wine to often. Mr Badger responds by adding another bishop for himself as the freedom of religion act had just been passed through parliament. Amhorach smiles in glee as he stages a peasant revolt and takes over all of Mr Badger’s pawns. Mr Badger rubs his hands as he replaces one of his white rooks with an oil rig and immediately buys 10 new knights with the profits. After a leering break Amhorach cites these new knights for not having proper pooper scoopers and removes the lot of them. Mr Badger takes off the black queen with a red neck gay bashing party. Amhorach responds by putting out a personal ad for Mr Badger’s king which is answered by one of the bishops. The forces the removal of the king and the bishop. Mr Badger then publishes the cell phone conversations between Amhorach’s king and a knight, thus removing the knight and down grading the king to a pawn. Amhorachs next move is to let his rooks go condo, thus adding three new pawns to his side. Mr Badger sabotages the condom vending machine and gains three pawns also but due to natural reproduction. Beginning the assault Amhorach feeds all his pieces crystal meth, doubling their movement rate. Mr Badger ties a bungi cord to the knights thus making them move backward two squares for every three they move. Reaching back into the pages of history Amhorach gives all of Mr Badger’s pieces blankets infected with smallpox, decimating them and cutting their number in half. To recoup his losses Mr Badger offers Amhorach’s pawns a free set of steak knives and converts them to his cause. Amhorach then tells Mr Badger that his rook has been being used as tea leaf refining plant by the bishops, thus causing the removal of the bishops and the destruction of the rook. Mr Badger constructs a new rook which is finally reveal as actually being a Saturn V rocket. This is used to air drop a number of pieces behind Amhorach’s lines. Amhorach retaliates by placing an oil embargo on Mr Badger which halts all movement. In a cunning display of tactical skill Mr Badger holds a fashion show where the design focus is on squares. "Check I believe Amhorach," said Mr Badger with a grin. Amhorach curses and installs OS/2 on Badger’s tactical computers, thus rendering them useless. Going for the dirty play award of the game Mr Badger broadcasts Melrose Place to the enemy army and takes a number of pieces as they suicide in horror. Amhorach winces at this show of pure evil and stages a happy hour with free beer, removing most of Badger’s men as they have called in sick for the next four moves because of the hangovers. Mr Badger immediately replaces these pieces as the immense hangover makes them fight for death as it’s the only thing that’ll make the headache go away. Amhorach counters this move by removing most of Mr Badger’s pawns, they discovered dating. "Don’t they grow up fast?" Said Amhorach with a sly smile. Mr Badger replaces 10 pawns as the remaining pair had been Catholics and had gotten married. Amhorach holds an inquisition and removes Badger’s queen as she was a heretic. Mr Badger then held one of those ‘sword in the stone’ events and replaces his king with three more. Amhorach returned the favor by forcing through the Magna Carta, relegating Badger’s kings to all marry Diana. "Check," said Amhorach. Mr Badger rushes through negations with the nearby kingdom of Bimboina and finds replacement queens for all his kings. Seeing the end in sight Amhorach sends in the Hari Krishna’s who convert all of Badger’s pawns to the cause. Having no flocks the bishops are removed also. Before they can be taken off the board Mr Badger takes away the bishops coffee thus turning them into blood crazed maniacs and removing the last of Amhorach’s rooks in the resulting carnage. Amhorach feeds two of Badger’s kings nothing but eggs, bacon and fat for a year, causing them to have strokes and die. Mr Badger responds by sending in his pawns dressed as tourists and they tunnel under Amhorach’s new rook, collapsing it. Amhorach orders a media campaign and goes public with the pictures of the queens and the knights horses, eliminating them all in one move. Mr Badger removes Amhorach’s final pawn after it ate dodgy horse meat from one of his fallen knights. Amhorach counters by converting Mr Badger’s rook into a historic national landmark thus freezing it from changing or being used in battle. In the final move of the game Mr Badger moves his Alien Drone Ship over Amhorach’s king and eliminates it with a Death Ray ™ .Amhorach concedes defeat and so the game stands at one all. ______________________________________________________________________________ These games were played over IRC and have been reconstructed from logs.