Okay, it's true to say that a big army of mindless goons willing to get cut
down in an inevitable hail of gunfire is a pretty good basis of a plan for
World Domination. However, you're going to need to develop an affinity for
appearing on Television and the Radio if you're going to have a hope in hell
of making it as a Dictator. It doesn't just take Will, if takes a Media
Image. And that will require certain abilities on your part, and it's also
going to require some effort. So, what are you going to need?

Firstly, you're going to need an Image. Then, an Angle. You'll need to
perfect the fine art of the Rant / Tirade. Finally you're going to have to
learn to distinguish good press from bad press -- vis a vis Rikki Lake.

Okay, an image is going to require you to think about what sort of plan for
World Domination you're using, and how you want people to react to you. The
"Benevolent fatherly type" is fine if you're promising a firm rule and
expedient rail transport, but if you're planning on wearing mauve and
drinking cocktails a lot, it isn't really going to cut it. So, get yourself
an image early on. There are dozens to choose from -- we'll look at a few of
the more common, and the other aspects listed above in relation to that
image:

*    Ex-Military type:

Okay, your standard ex-military type is easy to dress. Start with a
uniform -- starched to the point of it being difficult to move around in,
lots of decorations (anything is good here, but ribbons for preference --
they aren't as easy to recognise as fakes), big, big shiny boots and a
peaked cap. Oh, and a riding whip. Feel free to switch this in a sort of
orderly fashion from time to time -- people will automatically assume you
graduated from West Point. Especially if you shout and point it at people a
lot too. Now, you can opt for almost any officer's rank -- it doesn't really
matter, as unless you're totally clueless, you're not going to be promoting
anybody within your regime past you. Try not to go for the enlisted ranks,
especially the more unusual ones -- Gunnery Sergeant, etc. They're
confusing, and besides, they usually don't have enough shiny things on them
to catch reflections from the lights out there. Mirror shades are also a
good thing -- these will hide the bloodshot eyes you'll get from too many
sips of "Dutch Courage".

An angle for these guys almost always ends up as conquering the world to
prove that you can, or to get back at those commie pacifist scum who
court-martialed you for torturing and executing those Japanese 'tourists'
who took a photo of you while you were patrolling your base (and of course
they were spies, they were bound to deny it!) A good thing to remember here
is to steal a few nuclear weapons, or at least make it look like you have.
These boys love a good big bomb, and love to shout that they've got one even
more.

Your rants or tirades should refer back to the concept of discipline a lot.
A firm hand. Masculine rule. Give the impression that people are actually
going to be safer with a maniac like you in charge, because you'll be so
busy invading other countries that they'll be on the defensive, and there
really is no defensive like a good offensive, and the plunder will lower
taxes, and they'll be able to walk the streets at night, safe in the
knowledge that out there somewhere, a soldier is killing a Bolivian peasant,
to improve your standard of living. and of course they won't counterattack,
they have no stomachs to risk the threat of your atomic reprisal. Get the
idea? And use a clipped, Northern American accent. It annoys foreigners no
end. And as you're going to be invading them, who cares?

As for where to appear, well it really shouldn't matter too much. Hijack a
local TV station, or give them a hot tip on a gory traffic accident as a
bribe. (Hint: gory traffic accidents require nothing more than a box of
nails and a freeway.) You should have a podium and lectern, and glare at
people a lot. Don't smile, you'll look like a politician. And remember,
you're trying to do away with the politicos, and put the steel back in the
spine of the country. Try to stay away from daytime talkshows, you'll either
end up helping Rikki choose her lifeguard of the year, or telling Oprah how
you still fit into that uniform while being able to eat all the cream cheese
you like. If you must try the talkshow circuit, we suggest Geraldo. Hit
people with chairs, or take a firearm into the studio -- whatever your
approach, convince them you mean business.


*    Evil Geniusú:

Okay, this usually refers to those guys who lock themselves in South German
Chateaus, play the pipe-organ and wear big black capes a lot. Why? Well,
extensive research in this field (We asked both the ones we know) has led us
to believe that too much Vampire roleplaying was a major contributing
factor.
Anyway, these guys can be difficult to get a good image for, as they look so
out of place in the real world that everybody just laughs at them, and thus
they rarely make public appearances. However, their Message is still as
valid as any other, so...
You're going to want big drapes. Think red velvet or black, and you're in
the right neighbourhood. Something a Southern Belle could make a dress out
of. Your attire should resemble that of a 1930s Vampire, and you should make
sure that the cobwebs are in shot. Hopefully with a big spider eating a
goon. Let them know that you ain't scared of nothin'.
You're going to want to look menacing (lowers the chances of people reading
"poof" overtones into everything) and that means poor lighting. Go for
candles, but preferably electric ones -- otherwise you're going to have wax
everywhere, goons setting the place on fire as they light new ones and the
place will stink like the inside of the previous resident's trousers. You'll
want to have the camera start off by showing you playing the pipe-organ.
Now, a piano-roll works here, but make DAMN sure you can turn it off at the
right time or else you might just as well show a Pinky & the Brain cartoon
and come on at the end and gibber "Yeah, and me too!" for a few minutes --
people will be out making a coffee. If you're planning on interrupting
Baywatch, at least make it something that people are going to sit through.
Now, your angle is usually going to consist of quiet, educated menace or
outright barking lunacy. We prefer the former, because it usually comes with
an urbane British accent, as opposed to a bib. Point out that your advanced
intellect makes you a perfect leader of the Global Nation, and never mention
anything about revenge for what happened to you in gym class. Nor the fact
that the wedgie scars remain to this day. It doesn't help. Your tormenters
are out there, watching. (Well, to be honest, they were watching Baywatch,
and can't find the remote control.)
The Rant or Tirade is, as pointed out, going to have to be quite witty and
intellectual, so that the professors you're going to end up debating with on
TV at least have enough respect for you to use big words when they argue
with you. That way, the common man won't actually understand what the hell
you're arguing about, and will assume that you're a decent chap after all.
Even with that pile of bat-droppings on your shoulder.
TV appearances should be avoided at all costs. Don't do them. They won't
work. Geraldo isn't going to take you seriously, even if you hit him with a
chair. And Rikki... well, she's going to try to give you a makeover. And you
know it.


*    Megalomaniac

Okay, now before I say anything else, I realise that this is a very broad
category, and in many cases overlaps with the first two. However, there is a
lot of ground left uncovered by those two, and so it is our duty to present
it here.
Your clothing is going to need to literally shout to the world "Look at me!
I have no taste, but you can pick me out in a line-up!" and the easiest way
to do that is to go for a combination of the previous two, suitably livened
up, of course. Big boots are a must -- bigger than the ex-military if you
can manage it, but try not to wear thigh-highs - you might attract the
after-dinner crowd, but you won't receive respect and fear -- although you
might get the odd tip and a flattering offer... A cape in a nice bright
colour -- say, burgundy... like an Evil Geniusú 's , but without any hint of
style or taste.  If you had style or taste, you'd know that the cape doesn't
match that big blue sweater you're wearing... but remember: you are a
creator of fashion, not a follower of it...  soon, all will recognise your
natural leadership ability, and attach themselves to your glorious regime...
((cue hand gestures from the audience here as appropriate...))

Your Angle is basically extremely simple. You should be in charge. Why?
Because you're better than everybody else. They don't believe you? Prove it
to them! ((However, at this point we will point out that under NO
circumstances should you ever actually respond to taunts about Mr Wobbly
being a dwarfish hunchback, and NEVER EVER try to disprove it. )) Once you
get this mentality down, interviews and stuff are dead easy -- get a good
sneer and a sort of bug eyed look. Shout, wave your hands about, threaten,
bluster. Just don't make sense. That's demarcation, and your nearest Evil
Geniusú will do something horribly clever and unpleasant to you if you
should make such an error.

Now, the main thing that's different about Megalomaniacs is their ability to
appear totally at home on talkshows. Oprah wants to know about your eugenics
program which you are using to breed a Combat Warrior that will be totally
unstoppable. She also wants the name of your dietician, but that can be
manipulated into getting you a second appearance. Rikki will want to discuss
your lovelife and why you think all men/women are pigs/bitches, but you
should be able to get in a few remarks to the tune of "global submission"
and "economic ruin" while you're there. Hint: compliment her ankles. That
should get you invited back as a regular guest. You may be judging Rikki's
square dancing ho-down, but it's still press. Geraldo should be good for a
few laughs, just try to keep the craven cowardice out of your voice if your
fellow guests start to get boisterous. Remember that you're trying to give
the illusion of not being scared of anything. Other shows, such as breakfast
TV, should be avoided, as most people prefer coffee to vitriol in the
mornings.

So, there you have it. How to use the media to your advantage. Useful.

Next week:    Ethics.

Until then, keep your hands where I can see them.

BigJobbs

It looked like a grenade, I swear!