If you have seen "Mortal Kombat" you will find this hillarious (I think). If you haven't (good for you) then just try to enjoy.... -parr ________________________________________________ I had the (mis?)fortune to see "Mortal Kombat: The Movie" today with Odin (yes, it was my fault, I asked for it). (Start playing funky Techo music here) And now, thanks to a sleepless night and a fertile imagination, I give you M O R T A L W O M B A T Dedicated to my IRC friends STARRING Mr. Badger AS The Wombat Master Handel AS Han-Del Riahanna AS Sonja Butterknife Dr. Anton Mordrid AS Cagey John Parr Hesia AS Cayman Dexter Tres AS Amiable Bad Guy Alik AS Sub-Hero Random AS Dung Beatle B.J. AS Gorge-O Flaming Newbie AS Repete AND Omnicynic AS Emporor Really Skeptical Techo Music BY Odin Filmed in PARRIVISION High in the mountains of China, in a small buddist temple stand a young man and a dark sinister figure. The young man is nervous and sweating, but the dark figure seems non-plused. "Come, and fight...for me..." hisses the sinister man. "Never!" cries the teen. He has obviously been well versed in Evil Figure Spotting and knows one when he sees one. "Then...die!" says the figure slowly and with some lisping. The two fighters come together. Blows are taken and recived, but it soon becomes clear that the young man is no match for the evil one. "Brother!" he screams as the fists of the dark man pound blow after blow onto him. Finally he colapses into the dirt. The dark man smiles a truely Evil (tm) smile and lifts the head of the boy out of the dirt while shouting at the movie screen. "I've beat your brother, and now I'm coming for you! You are going to die!" The young man does the obligatory screaming and then yells "Ha! You may have ...beaten me...but my brother is stronger! He's build like a brick s-" "Enough!" screams the menacing figure, annoyed at being interupted. "Now, you die!" And with that he removes a long, deadly spade from his overcoat. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he screams, and the last thing that can be seen is the spade coming down... "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" cried Han-Del as he put his hands to his pounding head. What a bloody hangover! And how did get home last night? For that matter, why was he wearing women's underwear? Slowly he crawled out of bed, dragging a mass of bedsheet with him into the bathroom, where he downed half a bottle of asprin and then a few swigs of rum. Nothing like the hair of the dog that bit you, eh? Oh his head hurt again. On his way back to the bed he kicked something on the floor which went spiralling under the bed. Grumbling he crawled over and fished it out. It was a Fud-Ex folder: someone must have slipped it under his door. He opened it and read: HAN-DEL : BROTHER DEAD. COME HOME. BRING SUGAR & EGGS. "Good Ghod, then it wasn't just a dream after all" he stuttered. Poor little Del-Han, dead. His heart, always prone to angst, sunk to the floor. He had to go home. Inside a bustling Techo club Special Agent Sonja Butterknife was stalking her prey. She'd been on his trail for weeks, finding a clue here and a clue there. Now she'd almost caught up to her target. "What are you going to do with Amiable Bad Guy when you catch him?" wispered her generic backup soldier. "Interigation? Torture?" "No" Sonja wispered back feircely. "Even worse than that." "Even worse? What did this guy DO?" wispered the backup rather loudly. "That bastard left the toilet seat up! Can you BELIVE IT?" "Um...." stammered the backup solider. "No. What a...jerk. Ya." He made a mental note not to go to the bathroom until this mission was over. Sonja just muttered darkly to herself and swung her gun around. Meanwhile, inside the same Techo club in a secret back room... "So she's just really pissed right now, and I just want everything to be ok again...you see?" rambled Amiable Bad Guy to a figure in the corner. "Yes...and everything will be allright, if you will bring her just a little bit further. You can do that, can't you?" "Oh yes. She eats far too many chocolate bars to keep up with me. It's just those high powered automatic rifles I'm worried about." "Don't worry" said the Wombat Master with an evil gleam in his eye. "Just leave everything to me..." On the mean streets of Los Angeles you can find a lady or man of the night at any time of day. It was 9 in the evening, however, when Cagey John came to walk his beat. Suddenly a group of four tough-looking prositutes came around the block, laughing and making eyes at the passing cars. Cagey John was afraid. "What are they doing here? What if they take all my buisness? What if..oh.." he muttered. "Hey sugarh" cried the biggest tramp. "Make way for some real prostitutes! This is our block now!" The group came menacingly at Cagey and pulled out several nasty-looking knives and nail-files. "Look, I don't want any trouble..." stammered Cagey. "Well you GOT some!" cried the lead tramp as she adjusted her high heel. "Get him, girls!" Suddenly forced to be asertive about something, Cagey John grabed his first asailant by the wrist and flipped her over his side while forcing her to drop her knife. "*&#($&!" cried the fallen tramp. Kicking and whirling, Cagey soon made short work of the other three prostitutes and left them lying in a sullen heap. "He broke my heel!" one lamented. "Now get on out of here, and don't come back!" cried Cagey. "I have enough trouble as it is! Oh, I hate this job..." "Hey, that was pretty impressive" said a voice from behind him. "What?" Cagey shrieked. "Oh, Amos, it's you! How's my job application for Wendy's coming?" "It's...ok Cagey, it's ok. Too soon to tell. But I want to tell you something. I know you want out of this stinkin' job, and I think I know a way. There's a big...McDonald's opening, yeah that's it, in Hong Kong. They'll surelly be needing a lot of people there. You're a shoe in." "Hong Kong? But I don't even speak Chinese! I don't have a passport! I..." "Don't worry about a thing, Cagey. Just leave it all up to me. Here's a plane ticket...and here's $100. Get some less flashy clothes. I'll meet you there. Don't disapoint me, Cagey..." and with that Amos walked away. "Wow. A real job! I don't like McDonald's fries, though. Still..." Cagey John clutched the ticket in his hand and walked purposely off twards the fassion district. "Amos" smiled, and shifted back into The Wombat Master... Mortal Wombat will continue.... (please no submissions -- this one is allllll mine...heheh)