The Pranx Files. Part One: Into the Abyss Welcome, gentle and sick bastiches. You have been unfortunate enough to have reawakened the ancient slumbering beast, that which proceeds twice as long as five, and yea, shall rise again to proceed even further. In short, this is the Pranx Files, successor to the Prankthology. The eleventh installment of an enormous collection of Malkavian pranks. Learn it. Use it. Save up to 44%. ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- Disclaimer: The makers of this product take no responsibility for your personal safety while operating under its influence. However, government statutes require us to inform you that Obfuscate, Fortitude, and the ability to run very, very fast may soon become useful. Disclaimer the Second: If anyone takes any of this seriously, you are weird. If you don't get help at Charter, get help somewhere. This is all in fun, twisted as it may be. ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- {[Hi there. I'm your editor, Erehwon. You'll be seated at table thirteen, where you'll be served a lovely bouquet of pranks by the fine producers below. In no particular order: ]} Foxglove Eris the MPD malk SkippytheKangaroo Aarin Minoggin, Malkavian Primogen of Las Vegas Ken Richlin Christina Zonak Omnicynic Jakeman, Not a donkey Arlene Gladney Guido the impaler MR WILLIAM R GEIGER Raven Darksaint Moogle the Morrigu Minax181 Dan Hagy Venna Smythe ala Malkavian Rei Ken (Gangrel) Hazel Triune Marie Terese {[If you'd like to join these distinguished ranks, please contact me at your earliest opportunity. Current location is erehwon@nauticom.net. Be seeing you. And now...the Pranx Files]} 1) Go down, and alter all records of the contruction in City Hall to show that you were involved, somewhere, in every stage of contruction of the Tremere Chantry you possibly could have been. Add in a few other malkavians' names, too, but make it believable. Memorize the plans. Then, tell the Tremere you helped build the place nice and good for them, and back it up with what knowledge you found. Smile a lot. 2) Call up Matt, and say in a funny voice, 'Hello, Matt. This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We know about your recent illegal activities. We're coming to pick you up now. Don't try to leave your house, the local police will be with you shortly.' *click* Then you phone the local police and... 'Hello, police? This is Matt, there's someone prowling around my house, and I'm a bit worried... could you please send someone over?' 3) Fill a studio with helium gas before a newsreader goes on-air to read the news. Bonus points if the report includes multiple fatalities. 4) Take a few hundred dollars; buy a *lot* Big Macs ("We're having a party, and it's my turn to get the food.") Set up a rival stall, maybe fifteen feet away, and sell the burgers for a quarter of the price. Preach the virtues of capitalism to the manager. 5) Fun with styrofoam peanuts... Method 1: Prince on vacation+chimney+truckload of styrofoam packing peanuts=loads of fun. Method 2: (a Disciples of Eris story) The crazy Ventrue Prince that had been picking off the Tremere left and right had finally gotten deep-sixed, and just to show that there were no hard feelings, the local Erisian chantry sent word to the hiding Warlocks that it was safe to come home. Of course, before they did that, they'd gotten a few of their Mage friends who were pretty good with Prime and Matter to conjure up a knee-deep sea of little styrofoam peanuts in the Tremere chantry house... 6) Ghoul the ice cream man. Have him sneak into the vamp's haven during the day and drain a bottle of blood. Repeat daily till you have a good supply. Add cherry flavoring. Pour into Popsicle molds. Add sticks and freeze. Stock up your truck and have your ghouled ice cream man drive around selling the blood-on-a-stick to local kids for about a week. Sit back and watch the fun; eventually your victim will have herds of ghouled brats seeking him/her out. Bonus points if it becomes a hit sitcom. 7) Go to a night club and watch all the pretty people dancing. Start randomly obfuscating people. 8) Seal all openings into a mall, door, windows, etc. Gas the place with nitrous oxide. (Laughing gas for the uninitiated.) 9) The night before a bull fight, make the bull a ghoul. For better results, try it during the Running of the Bulls. 10) {[*Prank Story!*]} One summer, I developed the ability to imitate the voice of my neighbor when she was calling her damn cats to come back inside her house. As soon as I perfected the imitation, my little brother and I decided to give it a trial-run. He and I hid near the door the cats usually went in.... with buckets of water and super-soakers. I then did the voice, and the stupid cats actually showed up, wanting to be let inside! At this point, Tom and I jumped out from under cover and let them have it. I used to be a fairly good aim with a bucket of cold water.... -grins- Well, after a few times of me calling the neighbor's cats with disguised voice... after some very memorable cat-dousings... they got wise to the whole thing and stopped coming. I was initially saddened by this... I was moderately surprised it took them as long as it did to catch on... they were learning so slowly I had begun to entertain hopes they wouldn't learn at all. Of course, surely in that time partial reinforcement was brought to bear, as in the two weeks of voice disguisings, my neighbor also called the cats. Enough of that psych bullshit. Anyway, in the end I felt myself vindicated, as they wouldn't come for her, either.... they couldn't distinguish the voices anymore, and were tired of getting soaked. ...and life proceeded smoothly and pleasantly for a week or so. One night, my mother told me something the neighbor woman had told her about the cats, which was in gist, this: "I just don't know what's wrong with my cats. They never come when I call them anymore. The only person who can get them to come to the door is my husband. I don't know why they come for him and not for me... it's so strange...." Bwah-ha-ha-ha-hah! 11) Buy 100 envelopes. Send all envelopes to the mark. Don't use stamps on them, and put nothing in them, or photocopy something to put into them. Write the mark's name and address and put them in the mail. The mark will have to pay to get the junk mail. This scheme may not work in USA. 12) Get a newspaper. Cut out some death notices or articles about persons who have died [ie. killed] Send them to the person with a letter telling how fun it was to kill the person in the article. Try sending him a list with his name on, like a top 10 list with his name getting higher each time you send a new letter to him. 13) Call some chemical supply companies, say that you are training dogs for search and rescue, and that you need some cadaverine. It is the scent of dead human bodies, in a concentrated form. I will say, that one could get a little syringe and put a few 2-3 cc's in it, and shoot it into a mark's car through the tiniest crack (window cracked open), and that smell will NEVER go away. The smell causes unreasonable fear on an unconscious level. If he tried to sell his car, NO ONE would buy it. It would be completely ruined. Probably would work with various different places/things as well. 14) {[*Prank Story!*]} okay...well, this one was inspired by my friend Russel, (who played/plays a Malkie named Foo). (you see, he's REALLY tall and skinny with long hair...kinda scary looking in fact, so well, read on:) Anyways, he was walking down the street from campus with a black briefcase-looking bag, and noticed that for some reason everyone he passed was staring at him kind of nervously. The idea struck him to walk over to a car, fiddle around with his briefcase, then take off running with a psychotic look on his face. Unfortunately, the briefcase contained important stuff, so he couldn't leave it. But NEXT TIME........ 1. He's going to have a small, old lunchbox he CAN leave behind and will do it. He won't be doing anything illegal, just leaving a lunchbox somewhere. No yells of "BOMB" or anything like that.....just see what people are imagining when they see him walking down the street. 2. As an added thing to do, one of us San Marcos weirdos will come running up a moment later with a panicked expresion on his/her face, yelling "Oh Nooo!" Or something like that. That person will then pick up the lunch box and chase after Russel/Foo. 15) Make sure your haven is WELL protected from light. Make it look like a temple. Put a coffin in the altar top. Build a house on top of it. Ghoul someone. {[For best results, use another Mormon.]} Wait. When the Mormons come knocking, have the ghoul lead them to his "personal temple". At the appropriate time, (ie, when they're trying to leave due to the "disbelieving" nature of the temple) leap out, grab them both (they travel in packs) and dominate them into believing that you are the "Messiah." (Ghouling them is considered bad form, as this ruins the joke.) As soon as you gain an appropriate amount (ie, about 30-100.) storm the local T.V. Station and declare that you have made your own country. Wait for the police (FBI, SWAT team, etc). Drop the domination {[or, when you first dominate them, phrase it as "Until you hear me say the phrase 'world conquest'...]}, Obfuscate, and watch the Mormons try and explain themselves. 16) Glue or paint a fake third eye on your forehead. Walk around wearing a T-shirt that says "My Sire Reached Golconda And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt." Bonus points for beating the piss out of any Tremere that come to investigate. Double bonus if the t-shirts become really popular. 17) {[*Prank Story!*]} I went out and found the sleaziest Ravnos I could .. a liar, cheat, and thief. Using Dementate, I made him start to hallucinate wildly. Then in the middle of his trip, while he was still distracted and mentally open, I used Dominate and planted a few things in his head. When I was finished, every time he saw a black jacket (VERY common), he believed he was the prince. I did the same thing with six garou and a red-cap, making them all believe that they were each one of the "new" prince's primogen.. Needless to say, this caused quite a bit if chaos throughout the group (about 50-60 players), and the real prince was NOT pleased at all. Even with my Malkavian Rite, I had to beg and plead for my life. I think next time I'll use fleshcraft to make my "new" set of officials look like the "old" set .. Hehehehe..... 18) Find some poor mortal that wears contacts. Replace his re-wetting drops with hydrochloric acid. Have a ghoul video the action when his eyes dry out. 19) Find a local wraith population. Constantly walk through the center of the busiest part, slinging your arms around when you see/sense one is close (Auspex helps). This leads to a constantly discorporate Wraith population. (Authors note: be really careful with this one, as Wraiths that lose enough corpus can be hurt or worse by their shadows.) 20) Find a gangrel and have him lend you a bull. Then put the Bull in a big box. Send it special deliverary to the Toreador :) Watch as they open the box. Laugh a lot! 21) Say "Speak of the devil!" whenever someone enters the room. Works best if you have never met the person in your life, or you are alone. 22) Have an in-depth discussion about serial killers, a very knowledgable one: discuss motives and MO's (helps to have read John Douglas' Mindhunter) Smile nostalgically. {[And don't forget to look meaningfully at the Tremere primogen during the "good parts"!]} 24) Invite a friend to your house. When he arrives, act as if you have never met him. When he smiles as if he gets the joke, point a gun at him. He will probably run like hell. Invite him back to apologise, say you have no idea what came over you. Rearrange all the furniture in your house before he arrives. Get your neighbour to live in your house for that night, while your friend is at your house, break into his and rearrange the furniture. Get his neighbour to pretend to live there for the night. 25) Befriend someone that you have always had an open contempt for. Call him Tam. Say you always reminded him of Tam. Talk about when Tam's finger got cut off, talk about the blood. Start lying openly to "Tam", ask him about living on the Farm. 26) {[*Prank Story!*]} This weekend, Nunzio, one of my Malks, pulled off a killer prank. All righty then, there was this Nos that I was supposed to whack (she's in kindred's most wanted I think, who cares) So I wanted to do it the most elaborate way possible. I bought a plane ticket to DC (He blew up the flight by the way...) Got off (in more than one sense of the word(s)) Ofuscated and walked into the white house. After Hours and Minutes of mindless VIOLENCE I found a pretty red flashing button. In case you can't figure out what happens next, I SURE AS HELL GOT THAT NOS. And most of the rest of the world. Thank you. Moo. 27) Get yourself a parachute and tie yourself to the wing of an airplane. Obfuscate. After it takes off, get the attention of those inside (Gunfire, while effective, spoils the prank.) Then jump off. Be sure to leave a suicide note behind. 28) As above. But strap yourself down near the cockpit. After takeoff, slap a note in front of the pilots complaining about the lack of tea biscuits and that your leaving right this instant. Jump. 29) Go to a Weight Watchers meeting or some other weight loss club (preferably a Richard Simmons group) Bring a harpoon. Think Capt. Ahab. 30) {[*Prank Story!*]} Albeit probably done to death, this is something I did just in the past week before our LARP troupe went to an Opera. When I arrived at the normal meeting place at the scheduled time coordinates, I noticed a friend of mine (someone without a character, just showed up) had a nice fluffy stuffed bear with her. Well, it wasn't exactly WITH her, but it was sitting by itself, all lonely in a chair. So I decided to go play with Mr. Teddy (as I soon found out was his name). Anyway, Mr. Teddy and I danced and sang Opera for a bit, not really doing anything particularly out of the ordinary, and then I caught sight of the PhotoCopier over in the corner. Mind racing with numerous thoughts, I rushed over, popped in a couple of Quarters and slapped Mr. Teddy down under the lid. Made about 3 copies. Afterwards, I went back over to the table we were sitting at, confiscated a pencil, and proceeded to make out Mr. Teddy's wanted poster. WANTED for suspicion of Murder and out and out mischief MR. TEDDY REWARD: 1,000,000 whatcha-ma-callits (actually, it was X.P.'s, but we're in char now aren't we :) *and here's the kicker* For the phone number, it was best decided to put the request line of the local school's radio station. Kind of an "on air update". We figure if we do this next semester with enough planning we can get a "Spot the Bear" game going where if you spot the bear we announce it over the air. I mean heck, seems the whole Radio station is just crawling with kindred nowadays anyway :) 31) "Dodgeball With Phosphorus Grenades": Let's just say, When you're out - you're *really* out. 32) "Pin The Tail On The Ventrue": Stakes + Tails + available Ventrue = A very interesting situation. 33) "Hide and Seek": A childhood favorite for most - Try playing with Tremere elders (yes, and for extra points - hide in the laboratory...) 34) "Tag" (for Malk antitribu (er...Panders) and other Malks with Vicissitude) Using Fleshcraft and Bonecraft - show your teammates what you *really* mean by saying, "Tag, you're IT" (But, please turn your friends back afterwards - they'd do the same for you...) 35) First, mesmerise everyone you can find to believe that there is nothing they love more in the world than Broadway showtunes. Then have two malkavians get into a fight. They trade gunshots to the chest for some time, until somebody stops them. This is mainly to get everyone's attention. When they demand an explanation, exclaim loudly "Wait! I can explain!" and then signal somebody to start the tape. Perform the broadway showtune of your choice (in my case "All for the Best" from Godspell), bow and make a hasty exit! 36) Embrace someone. Lock them in a chest. Put it in a big safe. In a room. Them, put a nice strawberry milkshake in the room, mix in a liberal portion of blood smelling substances, and watch. Anyone who makes it out and survives the shake, call the local sabbat office. 37) Find a Salubri. Get the individual's soul. Put it in a lawyer. Watch them both get confused. 38) (Requires high level of fortitude and a vampiric enemy.). Convince them that vampire myths are just that. Wander around in the sunlight, stake yourself through the heart (miss a little bit), etc. Then watch as they do the same. 39) Use summon. Every day. Use a plane. Be creative. I think they need to see Antartica before they die. And Tahiti. 40) Find someone with a nice level of Vis. (Don't do it yourself. Nasty soul eaters, you know. Yucky). Use dementate to give subject a paralyzing fear of Use Vis. to make subject . Fun, fun, fun. 41) Embrace the subject's entire family. All his/her friends. Then, convince the subject that everyone in the world is a vampire, they just never noticed. 42) Get a Ford Pinto. Take a "friend" (like that stuffy Tory who is always trashing your wardrobe) for a spin. Speed, go fast, pretend it's the Indy 500. HEY! It's your highway, everyone else is just using it because you're a nice guy. Once you've got your passenger convinced that you're a lunatic (like he had to be shown that!), cut someone off and slam on the brakes. You see the thing with Pintos is that the gas tank had a tendency to explode when the car is rear ended. Gives a whole new meaning to Russian Roulette. 43) Get one of those small sail boats or a small power boat. Modify for street driving. The sail boat works best! Just picture the stares as you sail down the street. Steer with the tiller. A high level of engineering is strongly reccomended for this one. 44) Go skeet shooting .... At a golf tournament. I mean shooting those big clay pigeons is no test of your skill. Blasting a golf ball out of the air is more worthy of your talents. Be sure to pack SPF 1,000,000 (SPF 20,000,000 for you fairskined Kindred), you'll need it. 45) Break into the local Professional Hockey Arena. Soup up the Zamboni a la Tim "the Toolman" Taylor. You know the usual: a Nitrous System, twin cams, etc.. In fact put some bigger blades on that puppy. Should make it real interesting when the ice is scraped between periods. {[Heck, why wait for the period to end? Bonus points for each player you get.]} 46) As above, but modify it for highway driving. Nothing like a little road trip down I 95 in a zamboni. Bonus points for best excuse to cops when you get pulled over. Extra points if you get out of getting a ticket without using dominate. Negative points if you get arrested.