Judge:
Handelolis
Contestants:
Anomalis pluralia
Hercubadger
Hagbuttus Malicius
Teoronius
Amhorach
fiendius maximus
Alikclyes
It is a warm summer-evening and the sun has just set. A slightly perturbed Handelolis is walking over a green hill following a map spraypainted on a piece of wall-paper. All around are the sounds of the surroundings.
He stops beneath a tree. This should be the place, but nowhere can be seen the case of Rum that supposedly would be waiting here. Instead he can see a forbidding abode not far off. It looks like.. can it be..? No. Yes, it is.. a Tremere chantry!!! Could this be a plot by the Tremere to capture him and force him to set free the council of seven? Handelolis turns around and is about to turn and walk off again when there is a clinking sound from above.
"Hi!" Teoronius says, jumping down from the tree with a cardboard box under his arm. He is wrapped in a lightblue toga on which someone (probably Teoronius himself) has spraypainted: 'My other wearer is a Centurion.' "I'm sorry about the mysteriousness and so on, but I was worried that you might not show up otherwise." He hands over the box and continues, "I wasn't sure what kind you liked so I got one of every kind they had." The sound of glass against glass is coming from the box.
"Now you're probably wondering why I went through all this trouble to get
you here. Well, you
might (or might not) recall my petition to Parrhera and/or Erehwonus Esse
to be allowed
to perform all my
events at the same time thus reducing the length of the games. I did not
receive an answer
to this and when I saw that you were tossed the torch of the games by
Erehwonus I decided to
take it on myself to make this happen."
Handelolis follows Teoronius down the hill in the direction of the
Tremere-chantry and sees
that twenty meters from the Chantry there is a small cart with a filled
bathtub and a Parr-
clone sitting on it. Teoronius walks to the cart, lights a torch and picks
up the Parr-clone
under one arm. He takes a few deep breaths and looks at the clone.
Teoronius turns around to face Handelolis. "There," he says with
satisfaction in his voice,
Behind them the flames leapt higher aided by the occasional bucket of
lamp-oil...
Handelolis makes his way, giggling, towards the field and the rest
of the contestants.
Amhorach simply walks up to the podium and declares in a loud and
clear voice:
A spotlight falls on Alik as he stands before the judge. The crowd leans
forward, waiting to see what brilliant (but unsuccessful) plan he's come up
with this time. But from the figure at the mike, there is... silence. A
mutter runs through the crowd. Alik looks around wildly. His eyes are
bulging in panic, but all he does is stand there, mutely.
Finally, as the audience begins to consider torture as a viable method of
getting Alik to begin, he speaks, in a very soft and nervous voice.
"Erm... uhh... oh. Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?"
He pauses, as the crowd begins to bare fangs.
"To get to the other side! Hahahahahaha...haha... why aren't you laughing?"
Shadowy figures begin to edge closer, licking their lips hungrily.
"Okay! Okay! Wait! Gimme one more chance! I'll tell you a story. It's about
monkeys."
I like monkeys.
"So? How was that?"
"I've heard it before," says the judge with a yawn.
Alik sighs and moves out of the spotlight, which turns off.
Anomalis Pluria does a rather impressive stand up scene where her
verious personalities do the old "When I was a neonate..." gag.
Unfortunately they resort to vilolence when they notice that the judge has
the same glazed expression he had with the last joke he had heard before.
There is a nasty mess as Mercari and Anna try to hold on to the podium
while Day attempts to teleport away. This does elicit a nasty grin from the
judge, but Anomalis is in no condition to appreciate it as she is rushed
away to intensive care.
Hercubadger manfully stands on the podium and begins to tell of
some amusing exploits of his. They tend to centre around the foolish
situations that his sidekicks get into, and the lack of luck with the
ladies that they have compared to him. At this stage, Handelolis has had
enough, and has the podium sprayed with a fast acting depilatory agent. The
hero is last seen rushing for the makeup tent, with half his fur already
fallen off and a lengthening trail behind him.
Hagbuttus jumps up on the stage and starts to tell a tale about
some sheep, a combine harvester and a New Zealander.... he quickly folows
Hercubadger's trail of fur, leaving clumps of punk fluff in his own wake.
fiendius maximus walks onto the field wearing his biggest hat. the one
with two shades of black and red stars. he takes the hat off, shows
nothing up his sleeves, reaches into the hat and pulls out a small plush
bunny that has a black cord around its neck. holding the cord, fiendius
announces "the rabbit died."
Groans arise from the judge and others watching. The hooked stick
appears and makes a move for fiendius...
while running from the arena fiendius trips down a manhole cover.
This action gets the biggest laugh of the night from Handelolis.
After fiend is recovered from the sewer system, Handelolis places
the gold medal around his neck. Teoronius gets the silver, with perhaps
more to come in the other two events he has competed in this evening.
Despite the fact that he'd heard it before, the judge still chuckled at the
genital punching, so Alik receives the bronze.
On to the next event: Signing people up without
their knowledge!
"So you are here for..
Handelolis looks at him. "Okay, but the Tremere Destruction is over -
we'll see about the other three."
"The Rum should not be viewed as a bribe. It is yours to keep
regardless of how you rate my
performance. Follow me and I'll begin."
"Remember what I said. Run like hell..."
The Parr-clone nods hesitantly and Teoronius backs a few paces from the
building.
There's the light-up, the throw... and it's a hit.
Teoronius puts the torch to the Parr-clones clothes and lobs the burning
clone through a
window. The room is instantly filled with dancing flames. A few seconds
later the Parr-clone
comes hurtling back out of the window and comes down on its feet running
for the bathtub to
put itself out.
"That should do the trick." He starts to walk away from the chantry
pulling the cart with him.
Handelolis looks at the burning chantry for a while, then he follows
Teoronius a small wrinkle
forming between his brows. "Won't they just put it out again?", he asks.
"They'll try, but I've modified their well."
"Modified?"
Teoronius smiles widely, "It used to contain water."
"Handel is SOBER!!!!"
The judge and the crowd look at him pityingly, and he stares
around at them.
"No, really, HE IS!"
A large hooked stick appears, loops itself around the Celtic
Malk's neck and pulls him out of sight.
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought that
was odd
since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was
Sigmund. He was retarded.In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my
genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like
when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I
had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't
all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
in my
freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't
improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the monkeys and to
use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He
couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I
could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.