Contestants: Spookulus
Handelolis
Hercubadger
Dyer
Cynicus RevOmnius
PaisleyLemmium
Amhorach
fiendius maximus
Judge: Erehwonus Esse
The event begins in the traditional Greco-Roman architecturally sound stadium. Spookulus in a suit decked out with the latest in technological swimming materials, HercuBadger apparently uncaring of the water resistance his fur would cause...Dyer had apparently brought Reyd, The infamous BS, and the Triat with him...Dyer, set to kompete in the IRK Infamous Rase Kars kompetition, had brought a large, gas guzzling kar...Reyd was heard to murmur, "It's Really Cold" while shivering heartily...The Infamous BS had brought a computer, and the Triat just looked confused. An online chopper circled, apparently with a commentator for Cynicus RevOmnius' presentation.
Staunchly refusing to acknowledge the fact that Greek and Roman swimming contests were carried out in the nude, Handelolis appears in his clan tartan swimming trunks (double as underwear... but you probably didn't want to know that). As he limbers up his mighty sidekick type muscles he casts a wary eye over the other contestants. Grinning like the maniac he is, Handelolis sneers at them around the sword he has stuck between his teeth. Having been in the water since a mortal child, he feels it unlikely that any here will have his expertise in the element. Even Hercubadger is too muscle bound to pose any real threat.
RevOmnius might be a problem, but Handelolis is uncertain as to whether the wizardly one has a full grasp of thaumaturgical water control. Anyway, the doughty almost hero has had some suspicions about the Rev since his peculiar performance in the Skeet Shooting event.
Each of the competitors, except for Amhorach, who was suspiciously missing, stretched in front of their 200 meter long oblong furrow. Handelolis was the first to notice.
"Hey, Ere! There's no water!"
"Don't worry. Amhorach should be along promptly to remedy that situation."
As if on cue, a Malk looking exactly like Marc Spitz (the olympic swimmer) walked through the doors, directing a large tanker, which he soon emptied over the playing area.
As the order to step up to the pool's edge is given, Handelolis looks down into the deep, clear waters taken from the IRSea after checking for signs of superglue or other traps on the starting block. They appear much the same as normal waters, but he is careful to look out for any netsplits. Turning to the nearest fellow competitor he begins to recount how this brings back memories of when he and Hercubadger fought the Hydra in that city's harbour... what was the name again?
Dyer pulls up in his steam beltshing vehikle, and looks at the kompetition. He is surprised by the lak of kars among the other kontestants. He pulls up to the start line and waits for the judges signal.
Reyd approaches on foot, unsure of Dyer's problem. As he gets closer to the start line, he feels a chill run up his spine. By the time he reaches the start line, he is shivering.
The Infamous BS walks casually forward, produces a chair, and sits down at the startline. He then pulls out his laptop with cell-modem... dials it and join #Malkavians on the DALnet IRC server... and waits...
The Triat approaches, looks at its origins, and tries to figure out what he is supposed to do... "Infamous Really Chat" he wonders... Taking a cue from the Infamous BS, he sits down.
fiendius maximus walks up to the starting line, lugging along a large juke box with the words "disk jockey" clearly labeled on the side. by this time, the other contestants have learned not to ask stupid questions about fiendius' activities.
As Erehwonus Esse raises the flare gun to the sky, and fires, signaling the beginning of the race, several things happen at once.
Dyer akselerates...apparently driving between the water lanes...
Reyd tries to start running, but is too kold, so sits down and tries to
warm himself.
The Infamous BS types "/me runs 200 meters." satisfied, he begins to put
his things away and wait for the conclusion of the event.
The Triat, still confused, turns to The Infamous BS and says "Really?"
Amhorach jumps in, grabs his laptop, which has been rendered water resistant up to 200 meters, and begins to both swim and chat on IRC, alternately dog-paddling and back-stroking.
fiendius leaps onto his juke box, riding it down his lane, hitting it with a riding crop. every time he hits it another song begins to play. what a disk jockey! in the moment before he hits it, the jukebox plays bad habit, by offspring. after a brief smack, the faint sounds of "mamas, don't let your fiends grow up to be cowboys..." can be heard across the stadium...
*SPLASH!*
"Cynicus RevOmnius has lept into the IRC pool and started swimming for
all he
was worth, shooting from the Starting line at #Malkavians and ahead of
the competition. Wait a minute...what's this? OH MY LORD! rEVoMNIUS IS
DISSOLVING! Oh lordy lordy lordy...it's just Cynicus's head,
jetting along in the water..."
Caught in his reminiscences, Handelolis barely registers the splash as the others dive into the parrlympic pool. When he has full control of his senses again, he sees that a goodly start has been gained by them. With a glance at the judge he performs a hurried but smooth dive into the water while wiggling his fingers in a suspicious manner.
Amhorach flames several people in #Vampyre_lounge, brings #Tremere crashing to the ground, and irritates several animal lovers in #Bestiality is best boys.
*CRACK!*
"OH! The head has hit the cement edge of the #Malkavians pool...there's
a lot of blood there, folks...the other contestants have passed him up
now...oh, the head is climbing out of the water...oh, it DOES have a
body...green pants...KoRn shirt...wait a minute...is that? He's ripping
the head off and tossing it to the side...IT'S UKOLOVIkIUS! Oh MY GOD!
THE CROWD IS GOiNG WILD! THEY LOvE THIS! Ukolovik is running into
#VampCity...He's calling his dog a bastard and a son of a bitch! He's
rationalizing how it isn't swearing! He's been kicked, and he's coming
right back in! Now he's abusing the ops without specifically doing
anything wrong! The crowd is eating this up, as Hell-Spawn pretends to
not know what he's saying and Goliath gives him imaginary warnings! HE'S
BEEn BANNED! He's loving it! He's lost all sense of competition now! Wait
a minute...he's spotted a passing cow...he's brought out a large chair
and a yo-yo...Oh, this is disgusting! How could he do that to innocent
livestock?! To his credit, though, the cow seems to be enjoying it. Oh,
his ban is up! He races back to #VampCity. Now he's throwing pudding at
cagey people, and generally pissing every short-tempered person off!
He's disbeilieving them! oH MY GOD! HE'S USING PERVERTERY IN CONJUNCTION
WITH PErVERTEDITY! PHalluses and anal probes everywhere....Oh, cut to
commercial! He's enjoying this way too much! CUt t-"...at this point,
the helicopter shorts out, in a fit of electronic perversity...
Up ahead, water congeals and reforms into a wall which stretches across the pool and for a great height. Dyer strikes it, falls into HercuBadger's lane, and begins to sink immediately. Those behind him manage to pull up in time, but find no way of passing through other than exiting the pool and reentering around the other side.
Meanwhle, Handelolis skims through the water with the well practiced ease of a porpoise; his momentum is unslowed as the wall dissipates just before he touches it. Now back among the main bunch he shows the rest of the scurvy crew what a _real_ pira.. privateer can swim like and starts to pull ahead.
Fortunately, HercuBadger has prepared for just such an occassion. With a mighty throw, a bottle of Pusser's Imperial Rum soars over the wall. Looking up, Handelolis' eyes glaze, and he mumbles around this sword in his teeth, "Rum..." He leaps out of the water, with a superhuman effort, snatches the bottle out from mid-air, and drinks it down, before continuing. Fortunately, this distraction has allowed the other competitors to surge forward, as the barrier dissolves temporarily.
fiendius maximus hits his jukebox rapidly, increasing the tempo, while
taking potshots at the leading Handelolis...
*thwack* "I want to fuck you like" *thwack* "dead puppies" *thwack*
"ev-ery day!"
At this point, Spookulus takes out an onboard motor from it's concealed casing, turns it on, and begins to speed up mightily before catching fire and exploding. Writing in pain, he latches onto HercuBadger's passing form, dragging him under in a terrible display of smoldering wet badger fur...
Handelolis leaps out of the water, first to reach the other end, and stands for a moment before realizing that this is glory, and standing here much longer would cause him to be basking in it.
Just as Amhorach clears the 200 meter mark, the water resistance on the laptop runs out, and he hurls it at the standing Handelolis, where it promptly explodes. Handelolis is flung to the ground, motionless.
fiendius maximus, still riding along, jumps from his jukebox, just as it smashes into the end of the lane...the dying chords of "It's the end of the world as we know it" can be heard as the jukebox sinks to the bottom of the pool.
Erehwonus Esse, peering over the pool, finds it unlikely that any of the other competitors will finish, and as such, awards the gold to Handelolis, the silver to Amhorach, and the bronze to fiendius maximus.
PaisleyLemmium looks around, still at the starting line.
"Over already? Oh, sorry, I was multitasking. Damn netsplit."
On to the next event: Saying or Doing Something Really Damned Funny!