Handel was worried about the event. As far as he could tell, the only real competition he faced was from Spookulus. He knew the Dane kept very complete records of all the Malkavians that had ever crossed the list. He had to find a way to remove the Danish Malk from the running. But that was OK- he had developed a plan.. First, he bought some juicy steak. A lot. Enough to keep Biggus Jobbus happy. Then he fed it to Spitzandalexus. There was nothing wrong with the meat.. there was just a lot of it. Spitzandalexus decided to sleep it off. He/they slept like a log. Soon after the cute doggie(s) entered a torporous slumber, it was time for the event.
Amhorach strode to the judging podium, trailing thin whisps of smoke left from the Burning things down game. The crowd became silent. He removed his Claidhmore from its scabbard on his hip, and placing it point down, with the handguard obscuring his eyes, he turned and bowed low to the mighty Parrhera.
He then replaced the sword, and turned to the assembled lackeys and held forth his hand, in which was placed a might draught of stout.
"Bring forth the first to be judged," he ordered quietly. Several of the lackeys ran into each other in an attempt to curry favor. Gurgleis was brought forth finally by one of the waterboys. Amhorach did lookwith distain upon the wretched figure before him.
"Gurgleis, what is that you are wearing?" he asked menacingly.
The confused Gurgleis replied honestly: "Ummm, a toga that looks like a Union Jack?"
"That is what I thought," the outraged judge did delcare in a voice that did promise a thousand screams of agony. From out of nowhere three large ghouls did appear, and pulling forth large toothpicks did stake Gurgleis, and then they did proceed to flay him slowly before the audience.
"Bring forth the next competitor!" Amhorach ordered. fiendius strode into the middle of the marked area, cleared his throat and began to recite thusly:
"well first there was adam and he was kinda cool even though he didn't have a belley button. eve was next and she was really cool even though she didn't have a bellybutton either so adam couldn't stick his finger in her bellybutton. Too bad for him. Next there was-" Amhorach winced mightily at what promised to be a long and boring speech. He made a motion with his hand, and team of Pentex researches rushed onto the playing area and sprayed fiendus with a silky mixture muffling his words so they would not reach everybody and bore them to torpor.....
Amhorach did again reach forth his hand, whereupon the glass was refilled. He asked that the next competitor be led to the arena.
Handelolis leapt to the judge and began his first characteristics spiel... on Spookulus. In quite a dirty play, Handelolis went on about many heretofore unknown facts about the spluttering Ravnos wannabe - his Naivaklamness, his tutelage under fiendius, his clash of wills with Hagbuttus over what Hagbuttus said about his dog.... at this point Handelolis turned to the denying Spookulus and mentioned another thing.
"He has psychotic episodes when anyone even thinks about hurting his dog."
Handelolis pointed to a corner at the apparently poisoned and pained Spitzandalexus, whose distended stomach was causing him a bit of (momentary) discomfort.
"Gahhhhh." Said Spookulus, and entered frenzy. He rushed at Handelolis.
Raising a sawn-off shotgun appropriated from an earlier event, Handelolis shot him point blank in the head, riddling it with holes. 'Woohoo! Swiss cheese," he cried, certain that Spookulus would be unable to compete now.
Amhorach motioned again, and several Parr-o-medics removed the stunned Spookulus from the field.
Amhorach then did order a small hole cut into the mixture around fiendus, and he heard:
"...and abraham, who did an awful lot of begating and jo.... " The ghouls then placed a large strip of duct tape over the fiend's mouth.
Amhorach returned his attention to Handelolis again..... Only to find the pirate in the grasp of a bloody Spookulus, who, forgetting that we no longer needed to breathe, was trying to choke Handelolis to death. A cadre of lackeys removed the two from the arena.
The judge did then order fiendus to be freed. The minions from Pentex bathed fiendus in a glowing orange liquid. No sooner had this occured that the croud could hear the undaunted fiend, still at it:
"....ohn smith, who mangaged to avoid doing anythign of grea..."
Amhorach spoke into his radio, and a Chinook helicopter, which had been hovering unobtrusivly over the stadium dropped a Winnebego on top of the loquacious Malk, but still the voice of fiendius could be heard......
Amhorach ignored the prattling creature.
"Top honors in the test are awarded to fiendus, who did endevor to name
as much as he could about EVERYBODY."
A gold medal was placed on the door of the camper.
"Handelolis does deserve the silver, since he is the only other who was
able to name anything about anyone at all."
Several ghouls carried the still locked forms of Handelolis and
Spookulus back into the arena. The award giver looked confused for a
moment, unsure of how to hang the medal on Handelolis, since Spooke's
hands were in the way, but eventually just decided to throw it at him,
and did succeed in hitting him on the nose.
Handelolis did reply thusly: "Ack."