"Good evening to all those still following this, the tail end of the Parrlympic Games. This is your emcee Alexus Derenkovicus, and this is my sidekick Petcrates, the (Agape) Love Monkey. Have we got a humdinger of an event for you tonight! Tell them about it Petecrates!" 'Ook.' "Excellent breakdown Petcrates! Now let's hear out first contestant. His name is Duckiememnon, and his tangent is entitled:
"Duckiememnon steps up to the podium still carrying the bullet ridden rubber duckie given to him way back, and with a gold star on his nose. Let's listen..."
"I would like to officially protest this unofficial rule, as I am SIGop for Gothic SIG in Cleveland, which incidentally is truning 200 years old this year and we are having a big party at the rock and roll Hall of Fame, which isn't all that far from the football hall of fame, which is in Akron which kinda sounds likew acorn, which is what oak trees come from. I have a nice oak stake that I used on a Tremere Primogen ways back, but I forgot to enter into the Tremere Destruction competition, and by the way, this got someone a few points in the Signing someone Else Up For Contests contest, as I didn't sign up for this contest, I did sign up for experiments though, I like experiments. One time I broke into a Son of Ether's Lab and did some experiments on him, but there is no Son of Ether Destruction Competition, cause Parr didn't want one I suppose. But back to what I was saying about the Goth thing. I can't not be Goth. Don't you hate double negatives? Do you think that is how they do double prtints at One Hour Photo? And what if a Lasombra wants double prints... Or the photos formerly known as Prints, do they stand by the mailbox singing Someday My Prints Will Come? That's a bad pun. Does anyone know about the Dirty Pun Competition? I sent in my entry, but nothing happened. Did I miss the competition? I miss the Dukes of Hazzard. The General Lee, who, incidentally is no relation to Bruce Lee, but is just as dead. So you can see it is obvious why this Gothic rule is unfair."
Duckimemnon steps back from the podium, bows, clunking his head on it, spews a string of foul words, and then suddenly stops as fiend runs by splashing his face with blue paint. And you always thought that "Cursing till you were blue in the face" was a joke.
Alexus laughs his damn fool head off. "Oh that was rich fiendy! Why don't you go next? Here's fiendius maximus with:
"The crowd comes over in an awed hush as fiendius takes to the podium. His reptutation for tangent peeling at half time is legendary from many a game....."
"so........there i was walking down to the post office when i see theis sign for a local real estateagent that has a circle and a triangle in it's design and of course the first thing i think of is my old friends the illuminati," Alexus interjects, "The crowd runs for cover at the name of this group. They know what fiendius is like!" fiendius continues, "who have lately been involved in taking control of the arms situation here in australia, not arms as in what you keep in your sleeves but arms as in guns, which granted you can keep in your sleeves but have nothing to do with how they duped some poor sap into killing 32 people just so that the government could take away guns from people, not that i like guns but to take this right away from citizens is a bad thing 'cause once you take one right, the rest follow and quite a few lefts as well, and when we're left with no rights and few lefts to be left with what are we gonna do? rise up against them when they got the army with their guns. might as well crawl into a dishwasher and kill yourself. like that's possible i mean re(BANG)ally what sort of...... ouch."
"Fifty lone nuts seem to have leapt out of their hiding spots shouting 'I got him!' as fiendius's form slumps forward." Derenkovicus hastily reholsters his own weapon "Why did they shoot? Was it to stop him from telling too much? Was it to save everybody from thirteen pages of the above? Or was it a cheap plot device to enable the author to finish this part now? ah well at least it was only a clone...... What!? Just a clone? Petecrates, find the Real fiendius now, before he reveals all!!!" Petecrates moves quickly to stop this wacko from causing more panic. "Ahem. Or next contestant was supposed to be Crisis, but he seems to have gone to the wrong country. So why don't we hear what our own Akiklyes has to say? Here's a little piece called:"
The spotlight falls on Alik.
"Did you ever wonder about grass? I mean, really wonder about it? It's so green, and there's stuff that lives in it. They say there's stuff that lives in us too. In people, I mean. Not us, 'cause we're dead, and I guess the stuff doesn't like to live in dead people. Me, I say that's discrimination. I mean, I didn't ask to be dead or anything. It just sort of happened, you know? Here I am, walking along, minding my own business and next thing I know, WHAM! There's this total nutcase telling me I'm now a Malkavian, after which he runs of screaming. Nutcases are a real pain in the ass. I mean, do you know how hard it is to get one of those things open? I know a guy who smashes walnuts by flexing his buttocks. Now there's a real way that nutcases can give you a pain in the ass! He spends too much time exercising his butt. I told him that, you know. "George," I said, "George, you spend too much time exercising your butt." So, he grabbed me and sat on me and crushed me with it. It hurt. A lot. Having your skull crushed really sucks. There was this grey stuff that came oozing out my ears after he popped my eardrums with the pressure. It was nasty looking. Reminded me of the stuff my mom used to give me for breakfast, all grey and lumpy. They tell me that was my brain. So, I scooped it all up and poured in back in, then taped up my ears until they healed over. I put in some maple syrup too, just in case all that stuff my mom gave me had gone to my head and become my brain. I knew she never put enough syrup in it, so I thought I should add some. When you think about it, maple syrup is pretty disgusting. I mean, it's tree sap. But when you think about it, a vampire should be able to live on maple syrup. You see, sap is what a tree has for blood. And we live on blood. So, we should be able to live on tree blood. The only problem is, I bet you'd turn green if you did it. And maybe sprout leaves and stuff. And if that happened, all your friends would call you leafy. And you couldn't do the whole photosynthesis thing, because that needs sunlight, and if you went out to get sunlight you'd go all foom. My biology teacher told me that. About the needing sunlight, not the foom. Her name was Mrs. Frey. I always thought about french fries. French fries are really weird. I mean, they're not even french. Who invented the things, anyway? Whoever it was, they're good. Mainly because they're potato. I really like potatoes. But I don't like growing them, because you have to pick off all these bugs so they don't eat the plants. Potato bugs, they call them, which is a really good name because they live on potato plant leaves. There's two kinds, the red squishy ones and the white and black beetley ones. Whichever kind you get, you take them and you squish em with rocks. It gets really yucky. The hard part is finding the right rocks. You have the rock which you put the bug on, and the rock you squish him with. Finding a good pair is hard, and by then the plants look like green swiss cheese. And the bugs are yellow when you squish them. Green minus yellow is blue, which is like the sky, which is where we get Martians. People think Martians are green. They're not. They're purple. It's their blood that's green. I know, 'cause I've seen it. It's this beautiful green color, although I guess they don't worry about that because they're busy trying to keep it inside them. It should be inside them, because it's really icky stuff. But it really is a nice shade of green. It's the same shade as the perfect color of grass. Grass itself is pretty cool. Did you ever wonder about grass? I mean, really wonder about it?..."
Derenkovicus looks up from his attempted outline of the Tremere Conspiracy story, "oh. um. Yes, wonderful, simply exquisite! Who's next? PasileyLemmium? Did he even qualify? I didn't think so... Guess it's time for the awards. Crisis gets the gold for having gone so far off topic to have gone to the wrong country. Aliklyes, having written the least offensive entry gets the silver. fiendius, we have a lovely copper pyramid with ruby eye for you if you'll just come to the alley behind the theatre to claim it. Duckiemenon, for even bringing up gothicism, you get a smack in the head with a small Asian woman. Whoops, guess that's all the time we have tonight. Tune in later for Bowling for Penguins!"
On to the next event: Remembering Everybody's Name and Characteristics