The weather is loveley on this the day of the dirty limerick making contest. the moon is full and there are no clouds to be seen in the sky. quite a crowd has turned out for this event and they are a rather rowdy crowd at that, waiting for the foul and most likely offensive limericks of some of the best...
as the judge, alitax, walks on the the field, the crowd rises to it's feet (hey, i can flatter myself can't i?). she graciously accecpts the adoration of the crowd and seats herself in the judge's booth, arranging her grass skirt and coconut bra for maximum coverage and comfort. then she signals the guards to allow the contestants onto the field.
Boschus walks onto the field like a professor preparing for an important lecture, places his "Complete Works of Shakespeare" on the ground and sits on it while the other contestants warm up and prepare for the event at hand. He rummages in the vast recesses of his toga and pulls out a small, ancient, dog-eared notebook and begins thumbing through it.
next comes the fiend. he approaches the judge's booth and bows deeply in front of alitax. alitax returns his show of obedience with a sly grin and a wink that leads to much speculation in the crowd.
finally, hagbutt enters the stadium in his eternal good mood. he stomps up the the judge's booth and growls at alita. she smiles back calmly (being used to being growled at having lived with cronin for the last several years). he then takes his place among the rest of the contestants.
having decided to go in reverse alphabetical order, hagbutt is chosen to
go first. he steps forward and prepares himself for competition.
I have a limerick
Which isn't a limerick and it isn't dirty at all
So here isthat limerick
That singular limerick
That isn't a limerick at all.
My Limerick
There once was a killer pirahna
That ate up the Copacabana
Then good old Barry,
Oh, he did not tarry,
And he got eaten by a big crocodile with bloody
teeth. It sucks doesn't it. Here's another.
My other limerick
There once was a giant mosquiter
Who feared that someone would eat 'er
So she hid in a tin,
And sealed herself in,
And killed everyone who came near her with Malaria There.
the crowd is somewhat disappointed by the lack of sex and violence in hagbutt's limerick, but applauds him just the same. he growls at the crowd, murmurs something about pink fluffyness (which alitax notices a prominent lack of) and resumes his position.
Ok, well it looks like it is Boschus's turn. He still appears to be a little confused and undecided. He looks at the other contestants uncertainly.
"I just can't pick one by myself, there all so good. Would someone please pick a number between one and 245?"
As the inevitable slew of shouted numbers fly in his direction Boschus pulls a calculator from his toga and taps out a quick cadence,(he appears to be doing some form of higher calculus) while glancing up periodically to get the numbers straight.
"Right! That comes to 128." He thumbs through his notebook, his eyes bulge and he looks uncertainly in the direction of the judge. Then looking around the audience he says in a very clear and loud voice, ****"The following contains language and subject matter which some may find offensive. If you are one of these people, please cover your ears and do not listen to what I am about to say."****
Having said that he clears his voice and begins.
"A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie.
(Yes, this is that kind of story.)
She did it with Joe
and Curly and Moe
and Curly and Howard and Morrie.
And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry
and Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry
and Donald and Harold
and Ronald and Gerald
and Tommy and Dicky and Harry.
And Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd
and Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod
and Brucie and Mark
and Bobby and Clark
and she still isnt finished! My God!
And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken
and Dewey and Louie, then David again,
and Willy and Ben
and David again
and again and again and again.
And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred
and Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned
and Harvey and Len
(then David again)
and hold on just a second, she's dead!"
"Thank you for listening. Oh, and nudge those people and tell them they can uncover their ears now." Boschus then closes his notebook and sits down on his "Shakespeare" while the final contestant gives it a go.
the crowd is dumbfounded at the extent of the poor girl's exploits and applaud numbly. alitax, however, seems to be unaffected. as a matter of fact, she seems to be counting something herself. with the applause of the audience, however, she looks around abruptly and signals to the fiend that she is ready for him.
fiendius recites one of his old favourites......
"nymphomaniacal jill
tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina
in north carolina
and bits of her tits in brazil."
the crowd goes wild at the consise and grotty bit of art that the fiend has recited...
the choice is clear. fiendius is a crowd pleaser. alita award the bronze medal to hagbutt for a "stellar effort." the silver goes to boschus for his epic saga. finally, alitax awards the gold medal to the fiend. they refuse to let go of each other once they embrace, however, and hoses must be brought out and turned on them before they finally release each other.
alita
there once was a man from nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
if my ear were a cunt i would fuck it.