Contestants:
Andycles Langicus
Greyus Wolfus
Hieronymous Boschus
Spookulus
Gekker
Amhorach
Hagbuttus Malicius
fiendius maximus
Handelolis
ParrHera stalked the stadium with a strange and unusal expression on her face, a smile. The Games were going well, very well. The local populace were happy and spending up large. Everywhere were happy Vampires practising for other events. In just a few hours time would be Her favourite event, the spade hurl. Soon that ungrateful Stepson would be punished for having such a successful primetime Television series. ParrHera fumed as she thought about the ParrHera spinoff series that had been rejected. I hope all the spades are nice and blunt for this afternoon. Mortals would remember this day, the day HercuBadger was bought low in front of a screaming audience.
HercuBadger opened his eyes and groaned. Why did i have to celebrate with Handelolis last night after the skeet shoot? HercuBadger racked his memory for the previous nights events and hit a strange blank right after HappyHour ended. The Badger stood and brushed off the remains of the party from his spectacular personage. A traffic cone and police women's hat fell to the floor as well as a fair collection of empty Rum bottles. As he made the early morning coffee HercuBadger tried to rid himself of the nagging worry that he was forgetting something. I think I'm meant to be doing something today? Can't be too important I suppose. The Pose-Off isn't until tommorow and the Frightening Small Animals is days away. What could it be?
At this point Handelolis walked into the room.
"Maaaaaate," greeted the Sidekick.
"Here's to the fun we must of had last night," replied Hercubadger as he
raised his mug.
"Gotta say Hercey, but you're being a damn good sport about this. Would
have thought it was a bit of a delicate matter and all," said Handelolis.
Rather then admit not know what was going on HercuBadger just nodded and agreed like heros always seem to do for odd reasons. That thing was still worrying him. Here was andelolis talking about something strange and wondering if he could borrow my wetstone for the day. Why the hell has he got that bloody huge grin all the time? He's up to something he is.
"Oh well catch ya later Hercuy, I'm off to have a few practise swings before the events. Don't be later, hate to start with out ya," said Handelolis with a wink and he left HercuBadger alone with is paranoia.
"Welcome to this great day. I'm Smugus Veri and with me today I have Aggressive Slightoni," said Veri.
"Yeah, a day of blood, guts and spades with no mistake. At last we'll see that HercuBadger get what he deserves and hopefully it'll be his last apperance this side of HadOes' Happy Holiday Inn," replied Slightoni.
"The contestants are lining up at the firing range but still no sign of HercuBadger, wait, no here he is at last. Down at the firing line we have a before Games interview with the man behind the Badger," said Veri.
(The scene cuts to a very confused looking HercuBadger and a man in a designer toga)
"Well HercuBadger let me tell you how surprised I was to hear you had voluteered to be the target in this competition. Handelolis came to us first thing this morning with your offer. I've got it right here in fact. I Hercubadger do here by declare that I will be a sitting duck for the Spade Hurl and buy Handelolis another round of Rum, signed Hercubadger and the happy little gnome with a knob on his staff," said Manus on the Spotus.
"I bloody well did what, oh shi......I'm goging to get that little dwarf if it's the last thing I do..." Swore HercuBadger. At this point HercuBadger's brain came back online and came up with the missing memories. HercuBadger swore again and vowed vengence upon the body of Handelolis. Muttering foul and vile punishments he took up his position in the middle of the field. I've given my word so I'll do it, might be a chance to look good for the girls at the sametime.
"Well back to the Game and it's time for the first contestant to have a shot. First up we have Andycles Langicus," started Veri.
Andy takes his place at the spade hurl, and begins to size up the competition. He begins to wonder why they're all carrying shovels, and the other contestants can't help but notice that Andycles has no spade.
When it is his turn, Andycles whips out a deck of playing-cards and begins to sort them by suit. Removing the king, queen, and ace of spades, he tosses the rest to the ground.
Letting out a blood-curdling scream, he flings the first card at Hercubadger. When the card hits, it blows up like a firecracker. He repeats this with the other two cards, then bows. HercuBadger was surprised at this cunning move but still managed to nimbly doge to the side each time a card came near. The crowd roared with appreciation at this display so HercuBadger performed his award winning aerobics set. The crowd roared again at this feat of gymnastics and threw flowers and beer at the bowing HercuBadger.
A shocked and dissapointed Andycles removes a lawn chair from his pocket and sits to watch the other contestants.
"WHAT!!??!! I need no assistance in making these Games a mockery!" Screamed ParrHera. "Random, arrest that man and do unspeakable things to him."
"Yes my Dread Lady," Replied Random as he moved toward Andycles with a pile of Duran Duran videos in his hand.
"A surprise attempt by the young man I must say but next we have Greyus Wolfus coming up to the line," said Veri.
GW walked up to the line with a carry bag over one shoulder. He stared at the posing HercuBadger and growled. Computing angles and wind speeds in hus head due to his keen senses GW opens the bag and withdrawls a Long Bow of foreign manufacture. The crowd roars with delight as the competition takes another turn for the worse. GW takes out a red bandana from the bag and puts it around his head to hold back the hair. At the same time he takes off his tunic to reveal a black T-shirt and black combat trousers. With a muttered "I'm your worst nightmare" he took out a shaft of wood from the bag. From a pouch on his belt GW removed a shiny Spade head which he then screwed onto the shaft. before long GW drew the bow and Spade-arrow combo and took aim at the startled HercuBadger. When the moment was right GW released the spade-arrow which flew at lighning speed at the unsuspecting hero. The spade-arrow ajusted it's flight to ground level and flew a complicated course designed to defeat enemy radar and Auspex. it flew around trees that weren't there and around small hills. When the Ground Positioning System decided the time was right the spade-arrow pulled up and plunged down at the prone form of HercuBadger. That is if he had stood there and waited for it to arrive. our hero had gotten bored and wondered off for a drink. HercuBadger turned as a large explosion detonated at the spot where he stood earlier. A close one he thought, but not close enough.
"Random, arrest that man for gun trafficing, being a danger to air traffic control and not being licensed!" Screamed ParrHera.
"Ho ho! Another surprise move by a competitor. This competition is hotting up and no mistake," chuckled Veri.
"The only thing hot is that patch of dirt that won't grow anything for the next thousand years," grumbled Slightoni.
"Next up we have Hieronymous Boschus," noted Veri.
Hieronymous stood watching HercuBadger, his eyes narrowed as the enemy posed for the crowd. Soon you shall pay for your insolence......
Hieronymous withdrew a large black spade from the gapping void of his toga. "You are a spade," he said. " I like to call you that when I can." The crowd leaned over in preparation for another strange plot developement. Hieronymous took a few practise swings then with a speed that begars the imagination he threw the spade straight up into the air. Wiping his hands Hieronymous left for the changing rooms without waiting for the spade to fall. HercuBadger shrugged his impressive shoulders and waited for the next competitor to arrive.
Spookulus took his place towing a large trailer behind him. With a florish he whipped off the cover and there stood a mighty war machine. A 10 metre long silver spade was revealed, mated to two solid booster engines. A spinning radar dish could be seen as the cackling Spookulus set up the lunch site. The crowd was hushed as they retreated to minimum safe distance from the Spookulus Cowardly Underhand Device. When the SCUD spade was ready Spookulus lit the fuse and ran for safety. The SCUD spade roared into the sky on a plume of smoke and flame. The surviving crowd roared as it flew arrow straight at the unprepared HercuBadger.....before it plunged straight into the ground metres from the lunch site. Spookulus stomped off to the changehouse muttering words best left unsaid.
Gekker walked straight past the firing line and walked to stand beside HercuVadger. Gekker pulled out a paint brush and painted a broad circle on HercuBadgers chest. Once the bulls eye was complete his bowed to the crowd and looked up in time to be struck into by the falling spade of Hieronymous Boschus. A cry of "Damn it, you could have waited a couple of minutes" was heard from Hieronymous and the sound of a door slamming.
ParrHera was not impressed. Yet another compeditor has failed to strike her stepson. She signalled for the Parr-a-medics to carry off the recovering body of Gekker and the Event continued.
Amhorach took his place. Hercubadger is lined up for yet another spade being tossed at him. He feels dizzy and disoriented, but being the trooper he is, allows himself to be led for yet another attack. Damn he thought, that one coffe wasn't enough this morning.
Amhorach stands ready.
One of his ghouls sneaks up behind Hercubadger and offers him a cup of
fresh coffee. HercuBadger accepts the coffee and feels much better. As soon
as he has finished the first cup the ghoul offers him another and another
and still another one again. It seems the evil Amhorach is waiting for
HercBadger to need to go to the toilet before opening fire. Before long
HercuBadger has consumed more coffee then anyone can remember since the
drinking competition. The Badger molecules start to vibrate in ever
increasing osilations. Soon HercuBadger is oscilating so much he leaves this
reality and enters another dimension entirely. Waiting in this new universe
Amhorach waits for the entering HercuBadger and calls his name.
As HercuBadger turns, Amhorach unleaches a volley of his patented Throwing
Trowels, all five of which manage to stick point first in the back of
hercubadger's head. HercuBadger pulles out the trowels and laughs at
Amhorach for choosing his least vital organ to fire at. Being none the worse
for wear HercuBadger returns to the land of the GeeHoods and the weapons and
waits for the next competitor to begin the assult.
"Well first blood has been drawn by the young Amhorach! With only three more challengers he must be in more a chance at a medal. With only four left and blood been drawn a medal looks certainly to be in Amhorachs camp," informed Veri.
Hagbuttus Malicius strode through the crowd. As he walked he grabbed a newbie by the collar and bit off his head. "Ha!" he cried as the newbie fell to the floor more lifeless then before. Hagbuttus Malicius called for his swordcreature and drew forth a 3 wood Badger seeking homing spade. Finding this to his liking Hagbuttus Malicius used his awesome powers of Hagbuttry to take the form of Rubberman. With these stretchy arms he reached out and lunged out the distant HercuBadger. The sword twisted in mid air as it detected its target and corrected for the weather conditions. HercuBadger manages to avoid the spade by a whisker and the spade hits the ground. Hagbuttus Malicius fumes at this missed chance and stomps off to confront the badger seeking homing spade sellsperson for a after sells lesson in reliability.
fiendius picked his shovel. looking over it for anymore dirt to clean off he prepared for his throw. he tensed his arm and lobbed it down the field. unfortunatly he chose that moment to sneeze and an uncontrolled reality flip happened. suddenly hercubadger was standing in the spot fiendius had been standing in. the spade hit where badger had been.
"ouch," said fiendius, "it's ok..... i can soak it."
The Parr-a-medics rushed to the scene and helped the fiendius recover from this blow to his ego.
"Well with one more compeditor to go it's certain that the medals will begoing to Hagbuttus and Amhorach. It's up to Handelolis to decide who gets the gold," shouted Veri.
Having been pretty sure that his good buddy Hercubadger has doped himself up on huge amounts of coffee to help him remain conscious as the target and judge for this event, Handelolis has cast one of the few Rummery rituals he has designed onto his spade. A dark cast has overcome both the metal and wood of the item, and it glistens dully, as if wet. Fumes rising from the weapon are even more powerful than those of Handelolis' own unnatural body odour.
As he passes by the other contestants, those with heightened senses or weaker constitutions gasp and pale (more)... despite not needing to breathe. Greyus Wolfus whines and covers his muzzle with his paws, while Andycles simply falls, poleaxed. Only Hagbuttus and Amhorach seem mostly unaffected. Handelolis inflicts Delerium Tremens (Rummery 5) on as many of his competitors as possible too, hoping that the hallucinations will put off their aim if it comes to a rematch later on.
He steps up to the line and sights along the shaft at the distant Hercubadger. Back he swings the spade, and around, and up and over and ... away. Spinning though the night sky, the spade releases tendrils of miasmic fumes, reaching ever out towards the waiting Hercubadgerr, who feels the approach of the anti-coffee element, but is unable to evade it. With a resounding *SPOONG* the back of the spade head contacts with that of Hercubadger, concurrently with his head being engulfed in potent Rum fumes. Either of these would down a normal foe, and the two pronged attack is sufficient to cause even the mighty Hercubadger to fall. With an earthshaking *THUMP* Hercubadger falls.
The crowd goes silent as their hero slowly gathers his feet. HercuBadger sways as he staggers toward the refreshments tent to continue this impromtu drunk. Not a bad idea thinks Handelolis and goes with him, just for a round or seven.
ParrHera cheers as the award ceremony begins the next day after all the contestants are healed, sober (close enough to) and standing (with a certain sway for two of the participants.) ParrHera enthrawls the crowd with Her etherial beauty and a number of the crowd can't help themselves and leer at Her. In seconds Random is on the spot and removing these unfortunates for 're-education'. Random chuckles to himself as he clutches a video of Loveboat reruns to his chest.
The Gold goes to Handelolis, the Silver to Amhorach and the Bronze to Hagbuttus. HercuBadger sways in time to Handelolis as his friend receives his reward and smiles to himself as he considers what unfortunate things could happen to his sidekick during the pose off..........