Contestants:
fiendius maximus
Duckimemnon
Hagbuttus Malicius
Spookulus
Tepestuous
Judge: Erehwonus Esse
As the game began, and the contestants walked on to the field, one contestant stood apart. fiendius maximus, known far and wide as the seizer of the power of the games, great overwriter, forcible remover of the many contestants, he who overwrote reality. In equal parts awe and disgust did the audience receive him.
A wave of the hand from the judge, and the crowd roared. After a number of futile gestures and wild acts, Erehwonus Esse finally made it clear that the crowd should be quiet for the beginning of the event. A nervous and confused hush broke over the crowd gathered to hear from the greatest dirty pun makers ever spawned from Malkav.
fiendius maximus approached, and, after a moment or three of careful watching about for her majesty and sensitive Gee-Hoddess, ParrHera, began.
"Wait! Quiet, you bastardized spawn of a non-tomato!" declared Hagbuttus Malicius, butting in before his turn. "Listen here! How does the Mute Brujah make herself understood?" "Punch-tuation!"
The crowd remained silent, with some nervous muttering. fiendius maximus calmly stated, "that's not dirty."
"Newbies, all of you..." muttered Hagbuttus as he left, and fiendius began again.
"ok here we go......what time do you have if you have a big plant and
a filthy big plant.....
tree : dirty tree"
The crowd groaned good-naturedly, but in much lesser numbers than expected. Hagbuttus Malicius was heard to ridicule fiendius maximus most heinously. Apparently, most present had expected more from the legendary fiendius maximus, and were unaware of the sensitivity of her greatness.
Again, Hagbuttus Malicius dashed to the stage and began a pun. "What
do you call a Gangrel Invention?"
"A Protean-type! Eh, eh?"
Again, the crowd murmured. fiendius remarked, "dirty puns, haggy. dirty puns." After that, fiendius began to smell remarkably like lemon chicken for the rest of the event.
Spookulus frowned mightily, although he wasn't altogether sure how someone could do that. While Hagbuttus didn't seem to be terribly stiff competition, fiendius maximus was not one to mess around with, and never to bend over near. His skills at punning were renowned; now it was up to Spookulus to prove he had learnt well.
"At last we meet again, but now I am the master!!" he blurted, completely unable to stop the reference from slipping out.
Summoning his hard-tried wit in the face of such competition, not to mention only 4 hours of sleep previously, Spookulus said unto the judge:
"Knowest you the one called Smurfettix, who resides on the Channel of Beautiful Liars; she hath sent unto me a most enlightening text, revealing why smurfs are blue, and how it is that she alone is female among all the many smurfs of the village. Upon this sudden enlightenment, I can only say: I didn't know they had it in them."
Spookulus did the obligatory smirk easily, having practiced for hours upon hours for this grueling event. Quickly he continued to the next phase of his multi-tiered display:
"But knowest you that though the barbarians of the Channel have not influenced any of your land; for only the other day did I see a play with a most popular young actor by the name of James. He did speak unto the audience thus: "Live fast and die you," and they did go into battle directly thereafter over who had put the dent in their chariot, but that is not my point, which is that the moral fiber of our land remains intact, as is evidenced by the name of the play, which was James' Jeans."
Deftly evading the thrown vegetables of the bystanders, undaunted by their loud groans, Spookulus went on to his grand finale:
"But Ere you go, lest Dyer consequences befall you, listen still to the MEat of my argument. Though tis true that the Crisstians have spread their Tepestuous religion throughout the land, they are but an anomaly, and we still have a Handel on the situation. Though they Badger our people relentlessly with their Random prayer, they seek not our salvation, but only to sow Discord among us. We can but Duckievil attempts upon our very integrity as a clan. We must seek to do as Erezeus before us; he firmly Drew the line between acceptability and one-liners, and thereby released the Dove of peace into our world. As the last contEnder, at the risk of being thought a Jester, I say unto you, the only was to be rid of this irritation is to Diph them in tar and feathers. As things are they simply dOen't understand our seriousness; to quote a philosopher and scientist that hasn't been born yet, Darwin said "Survival of the fittest." We are, obviously, more Intalgen than these intruders who stalk in the Nightshade. To save ourselves, we must be our own Darkangels, night and Day. Parrticularly against their lies, the fiends. They shall attempt to Twyst their way out of it, but we are the Vanguard of a true understanding, and many doughnuts!! And if Urielly think they will leave you in peace, you'd best think again. Working together, we can change ourselves, the impression of ourselves, from raving loonies Toussaints."
Panting, Spookulus finished his rant with a backflip-double-twist-chocolate-cherry-twohundred-point execution of a Tremere effigy, finishing in a kneel before the judge, katana planted before him.
A cheer erupted from the audience, in appreciation for such a feat. Spookulus, with the heaps of praise being heaped upon him, bowed humbly. Erehwonus Esse seemed trapped between an admiring smile and a damning frown.
"That was awful! Nothing! Doesn't even come close to mine! Now, listen, you, and listen good!" cried Hagbuttus Malicius, in another attempt to prove his devastating ability to pun dirtily.
' A Giovanni smuggler walked into an art store with some liberated
paintings, and tried to sell them to the Malkavian shop owner.
"I'm sorry,but these paintings are a little weather worn, due to
them being liberated from a Nosferatu hidey-hole. Will you still buy
them?" asked the Giovanni.
"Sure, I can sell absolutely anything, except for one thing,"
said the Malkavian confidently. He bought the paintings and the Giovanni
left.
The Giovanni came back the next week with another selection of
paintings, liberated from Nossie art galleries, and sure enough, the
paintings she had brought in last week were sold.
"Amazing! You sold them! Would you be interested in these ones?
They're a little more grotty than the others, though."
"Sure, I can sell absolutely anything, except for one thing,"
said the Malkavian again. He bought the paintings and the Giovanni left,
wondering what it was that he couldn't sell.
A week later, he came back with some paintings liberated from a
Ventrue mansion, and as such, they were much more appealing. He saw that
last weeks' paintings had gone already, so he said, "I've got some much
better quality paintings this week, and I'll give you them at the same
price as last weeks' if you'll tell me what it is you can't sell."
The Malkavian grinned and said:
"I can sell anything, but I can't Celerity."'
The audience burst into groans. In fact, a number of them seemed to be pounding their heads against their seats, in a futile attempt to have not heard the truly awful pun. Erehwonus Esse sighed, and shook his head softly.
At this point, Duckimemnon stood to present. Despite the suddenly generated obstacles, and a slight shaking of the colosseum, he made his way to the ancient microphones, and spoke.
"What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common???"
"Neither one can wait to get to the next bier."
While Erehwonus Esse smiled and groaned, and fiendius maximus groaned in harmony, the rest of the crowd was utterly silent. There was some murmuring, and a large amount of general shrugging and confusion.
"what? don't you get it?"
"A bier, of course, is the item upon which a corpse or coffin is laid before burial."
The people nodded, and pretended to know such a thing, laughing. There were many shaken heads, and numerous groans.
Suddenly, in an amazing display of Hagbuttry and showmanship, Hagbuttus Malicius leapt up onto the stage. In an amazing whirl, the stage was transformed into a tip-top cavalry fort. A loud voice boomed,
"And now, presenting the adventures of.....
As the scene dissolved, the crowd looked about, confused. A number of them had taken to wearing makeshift Apache costumes, and a very few were wearing uniforms. Soon enough, they all settled down, though, realizing that this was another of Hagbuttus Malicius' pun entries.
At this point, Tepestuous was called to the stage. Apparently very nervous about his entry in this competition, against such acknowledged masters in the field, he coughed before beginning. Three beautiful multicolored butterflies flew out and danced in the air for a few moments. After a few moments, those kindred who had still not recovered from the aerial display were hit with dead cats. Undaunted, Tepestuous again began to speak. "What is the difference...between an orange?" The crowd was silent, save for a few chuckles heard throughout the stadium.
Those with high enough auspex determined that Hagbuttus was, indeed, one of those chuckling. "Heh heh heh...all going according to plan."
HercuBadger looked down on Hagbutt from his prominent place in the stands, surrounded by a multitude of women who seemed overly concerned with feeding him grapes. "Heh heh heh...all going according to plan."
ParrHera looked down from her palace high above, in the realm of the GeeHods, and smiled evilly at HercuBadger's action. "Heh heh heh...all going according to plan."
Erehwonus non Esse looked at the screen feeding him all necessary information, at the image of ParrHera. He smiled and chuckled. "Heh heh heh...all going according to plan."
JoNus non presentus dOeus looked over at Erewhon. "Heh. What feebs."
While the rest of the participants were still recovering from the cliched theatric effect provided, Hagbutt leapt again to the stage, in a final effort to pun. "You better not shout, you better not cry, because Santa's got...Christmas Presence!"
Erehwonus Esse smiled, and for a moment, all were silent. It was time to give out those cheap representations of adequate effort, the medals.
"Spookulus, thou shalt receive the bronze medal, as representative of your extremely impressive effort, which, despite its length and confusion, was excellent."
Erehwonus flipped a small coin, conveniently placed very near to the judge's booth.
"fiendius maximus, for your dirty pun, which was carefully timed and yet unusually clean, thou shalt gain the silver medal."
"Finally, Duckiememnon, for your truly dirty pun, the most eminently qualified of those presented in this category, succinct and clear, thou shalt be presented with that medal of greatness in the dirty puns, the gold."
After a moment of stunned silence, as the stage was set up for the next event, and this one faded out, fiendius maximus could be heard to shout, "a newbie?! everyone knows i'm the dirtiest punner here...how dare he get the silver...i'll give him the old one-two...to the moon, june!"