What is a malkavianist, I hear you ask? Well, not really because I really am writing this and have very little chance of noticing you ask unless I'm sitting right next to you. Anyways, a malkavianist is one of those people that sit in the back seat on the train and mutter things like "Ha ha ha, you'll never catch me alive said he".

In the French Rennaissance Period, Malkavianism was almost destroyed by the rival theories of Toreadority. Many of our own great Artists were swayed by the Toreadorists. There was a great struggle, but eventually the malkavianists won during the Revolutions of 1848. ha ha ha, you'll never catch me alive said he. And essentially that is a summary of what an approximate malkavianist might be on a good day, but of course, it is quite possible that it could be raining. Not that rain is bad mind you. but it can be.

The Ideals of malkavianism are as follows:

1. DON'T FORGET YOUR RAINCOAT.
2. LESS FLAVOUR, MORE FILLING, EXTRA FOAMY.
3. HA HA HA, YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE SAID HE.
4. ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR, EVEN IN THE BATH.
5. CELERY STICKS ARE PEOPLE TOO AND SHOULD BE GRANTED EQUAL RIGHTS.
6. CELERY STICKS ARE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL AND MUST BE DESTROYED.
7. BAD NICKNAMES
8. BOO.
9. @@@@@@@@@@@:-) MARGE SIMPSON
10. ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF UNDEATH.

    There are also others, but they are less important because I say so, so nyah nyah. ha ha ha, you'll never catch me alive said he.

    Leading figures in the cause of malkavianism are Van Gogh, Bozo the Clown and, of course, Ross Perot. Yes, and now with 110 new flavours, comes the almighty, Pooper scooper. Now in a handy 10 x 10 foot container! Only 10 cents* with your pretty peice of paper. ooOOooh, look at it run.

    Malkavianism isn't just a way of life, it's a blue ferret. by Dr. Stupid, possibly. Ask me tomorrow.

    * plus $2000 dollars postage and handling within the US. International Orders add 1 cent.